Writing Task Mentor Quote

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1. Jayden: You can write well, but you have waited so long to get started on submitting HWs. Now you have to get up to speed on how to post the HWs correctly. NO need for header. NO need to repeat title in the body of your text. Read the Announcement HW instructions carefully. Look to other student posts as examples.

   New topic = New Paragraph! Watch for paragraph breaks.

   You need to work on developing more specific details.

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   “You don’t work, you don’t pay bills; your only job is school. All I ask is that you attend school, do your work, and listen to your teacher. Don’t be a loser; make yourself useful; have a purpose. I bust my ass too hard for you to live like a bum”

   It was a gloomy day; the rain just settled down after a heavy storm. I had been sulking in my room for weeks during online learning [high school 11th grade?]. I had spent all night playing games basking in filth from not leaving my room for days. [good details here] I often woke up to the sound of emails [emails make a sound???], mainly from teachers regarding my absences and un-submitted late work. [Where are you going with this gloomy day scene? What event?]

   [seems like a jump to here] I don’t know when or why, but at some point, [11th grade 10th grade? can place this in your memory and be more exact] I lost sight of the future. High School became unimportant to me. I didn’t wish to be anything or do any better. I was satisfied at the bottom. I was satisfied with simply the bare minimum. [fill in details; were you failing a class?]

   My mom had received multiple phone calls, emails, and text messages, all regarding my behavior and lack of studiousness. It sent her over the edge; I guess my actions were no longer bearable as it was now affecting her work life and taking up her time. Our already unhealthy relationship had gotten worse. When she arrived the stale air from my room hit her as she opened the door. My eyes were still adjusting to the light after she abruptly turned the lights on. “Jayden get your ass out of bed right now and come into the living room”. I had a gut-wrenching feeling; her tone was more forceful than usual. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror shocked at the paleness in my skin, the deep dark bags under my eyes, and the fat I gained on my face. When I entered the living room she read the messages my teacher sent and began her speech with the previous quote. [Did you sit down? Stay upright? THEN How did you answer her? Did you say anything to explain yourself or were you mute? Show me the dialogue, back and forth between you and mom.]

   The feeling of disappointment and disgust poured over me as her bashful [better word] gaze struck mine, I never felt like her son. I was a lump of worthlessness that took up space and resided in her home. [good description of how you felt!] She had given up on me. Despite this, my attitude towards school and life remained. My facetious [better word] behavior [behavior in front of her during this talk or behavior as your school year continued?] prevailed as she said I was an undeniable loser. [ AGAIN — turn this into dialogue: I knew my mom had given up on me when she said, “Jayden you are an undeniable LOSER!” How did this conversation end? Did she walk away from you? Did you rebel and go to your room shutting the door? NEED MORE DETAILS.

   Although her words were meant to engender change and hopefully propel me into the light, I only fell further into the quicksand. [examples of falling into quicksand]

   Recalling the situation [show me the moment you started to recall and have these wishes. What triggered this reflection, what predicatment were you in? Were you at risk of not graduating?], I wish I had stronger willpower. I wish I was a better student. I wish I had more discipline and a better mindset. [Good repetiition of I wish. Repetition works well here]

   Sadly to say though, I am still recovering from those times. [WHAT times? What events? What tragedies?] I created so many bad habits. [examples?] I’m still a weak excuse for a son. But at least now I’ve acknowledged my errors and I’ve set goals for myself. I want to become useful. I always felt I had the potential to achieve success and produce great results. It was common for me to see glimpses of my past work ethic when I focused, before online-learning; when I strived for top marks and wanted to challenge myself. [So is the pandemic year of online learning a part of your story?] Unfortunately, I would always regress. I could never fully grasp the will of fire I once had; [can you give a before and after scene — when you had the will of fire how did you act differently as a student? THen how are you operating at this low moment when your mom had this talk with you?] those words from my mom remain in my mind. When I stop down or participate in old habits, it reminds me to fight my urges and think of the person and man I want to be.

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   SHOW DON’t TELL: You do a lot of telling, but you need to SHOW ME with scenes and dialogue.

   Look back into your memor and SHOW me the scene when this talk with mom happened. SHOW me the dialogue between her and you. If you took it all in silence, what were you doing as you listened to her? How did it end?

   SHOW me your behavior at school: Show me a time when you were a student with a will of fire. THEN SHOW me the student you were at this low point?

   HOW did you turn yourself around? Was there an event that made you commit to changing as a student? Describe that moment or event that made you realize you had to change.

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