Let’s paint a picture, shall we? I don’t know what “normal” means or what it’s like to feel that way. Maybe I’m confused? Lost? I don’t know, but what I do know is that it’s okay to not be normal. A dictionary definition of normal is “customary, boring, and typical.” If I was this way I would be a part of any discourse community possible. I couldn’t be anymore wrong because that’s not true. I am not normal no matter how hard I try to be, but if the opposite word is “abnormal” then the qualities of a normal person are the opposite, kind of like the yin and yang to each other. The unfortunate truth about being normal is that it’s the highest tier of social construct that I want to be, but I am not.

I don’t know if the term often gets misconstrued but I’m sure that we all try to be someone we are not. Maybe it’s out of jealousy or envy, but that’s not normal… so why? Why do that to yourself? I wonder, if we all had the same idea about things we might as well be carbon copies of each other… that’s not normal. Now I’m left with a question like what makes me normal? A one word answer is “nothing” because I am not trying to be like anyone else and I just want to be me. I cannot lie if I do have common interests with a friend that helps me be a part of a discourse community. I would be like one of those fan accounts on Twitter talking about common interests, goals, and mumbo jumbo.

The most I can feel normal is when I’m at school. All I have to do is not be so socially awkward and weird, maybe people will like me. That was not true, in fact I was so far off the radar. I was weird as a kid and I embraced it so much that people thought I was “crazy” which is clearly not normal. All I had to be was “customary, boring, and typical” and it was hard because I was the opposite of that in a bad way. In high school I presented an extroverted personality which I thought would be good, instead I landed myself in drama, no friends, and wasted my time trying. Since the pandemic started the world’s “normal” had me doing school from online, and I felt some pressure off my shoulders because that’s the new norm that I have to get used to. I actually cherished the last semester of high school online which was fun because loneliness never felt so good, leaving behind all that nonsense that has happened to me in the last four years and I wouldn’t repeat that in college. In college I developed a more introverted personality and that’s fine, it’s “normal” I would assume. I was glad to “start over” and not repeat the cycle of wrongdoings… then again my college is being done online. I spend more time to myself and reflect on me. Talking to myself sounds weird but honestly that’s normal… especially if you don’t have any friends… that’s me for you!

In the summer I got a job which landed my part time job to this day and I do most of what I don’t like to do… talking to people. I am sorry but talking to people drains my social battery it’s not intolerable I just don’t feel like it and it’s normal. Well I don’t mind my coworkers they are kind at times and them asking how I am makes me feel all bubbly as if I am wanted, but I wouldn’t push my luck. Sometimes I am bothered by how people can be so nice to each other and themselves that seems normal. I am the definition of self-deprecation and I can’t help it I just wish I never existed sometimes. I am such a sucker for wanting things that I can’t have or doing things I might regret. I am going back to my original point which is being outcasted. If I am not following the social construct I am not “normal.” I am so fine with that, because I shouldn’t categorize me in places I don’t belong or if I don’t want to communicate with other humans I am okay just being with me, things shouldn’t be so difficult then.