“…This one might have been taught to parent a group himself, but when I showed the other ooloi the match, they agreed that the two of you should be together.”
“You…you chose him for me?”
“I offered you to one another. The two of you did your own choosing.”
This part of the novel shows just how controlling the ooloi are. After Lilith and Joseph’s experience through Nikanj, it reveals to her that she didn’t really have a choice with who she mated with. It was already decided by the ooloi that they were a good match, and they were set up to pick each other. This causes doubts in Lilith between what is real and what is a neural stimulation from the ooloi. They know her wants and body better than she does and that takes control out of her hands.