My name is Jenny Liu. I am a student at City Tech studying health science. This is my third semester in college. I’m starting to doubt whether an A is worth it in college. I was a straight A student throughout high school. I remembered a saying, “Your grades don’t matter.” In high school, there is always that one teacher who tells students that an “A” is not important. I did not buy into that. Grades can get you into schools and programs. It puts you at a greater advantage.
At a young age, my parents had high expectations of me. Their idea of academic success equals getting an A. The A grade became implanted into my brain. I became hungry for academic validation. I was willing to do anything to get an A for the feeling of relief and worthiness.
I left my parents at 12 years old. I left behind my friends and family in Manhattan for a school transfer. I transferred to a middle school in Michigan to get into their elite high school. It was hard at first. I didn’t know anyone and I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to. But I just sucked it up. I passed the entrance exam and finished seventh and eighth grade. I got straight A’s and received high honors at the honor conventions.
High school was the time that got me more obsessed with the letter grade A. Everyone around me would just talk about their rankings and grades. It was nonstop about who was smarter or who was staying up longer to study. Every single day people would pull out their phones and compare their grades. During high school, the first thing I do in the mornings is to check my grades. I opened that grading app at least six times a day.
When I graduated high school with straight A’s and high honors I had never felt more relief. I felt like I was worthy of being my parents’ kid. I was closing up a chapter of my life that I had strived so hard to achieve. The light that glowed on my parent’s faces when they opened that envelope with my transcript was unforgettable.
College is where I wonder if the letter grade “A” was worth it. So far I have gotten all A’s. Most of my classes are online. I stare at a computer for hours everyday. I had never felt so miserable before. I felt so alone and isolated. I felt like I was trapped in my thoughts. I’m studying every single day. I have no time to do the things I wanted to do. I have no friends in New York. I felt like I have lost touch with everything. I don’t socialize with my friends on social media. I have no interest in leaving my home. Every night I go to bed worrying about my grades. I dedicate my time to studying and completing assignments. I don’t have a time where I’m not thinking about the materials I need to know, the assignment that is due, or my grades. There is a point where I would jolt awake in the middle of the night to recall the information I memorized.
With the time I had spent studying and memorizing, I could have gone shopping, gone for a walk around the city, gone to a museum, traveled upstate, and hung out with my friends. I wished that I could tell myself that a B is just as good as an A. I am totally fine with getting B’s for the rest of college. However, there is always that little voice in my head telling me that I live on academic validation. If I don’t get A’s I will be a disappointment.
People say that college is supposed to be the best years of your life. Why does this not apply to me? College has become the worst years of my life. I had turned college into a complete nightmare for me because my ego can’t handle getting a “B”. I wished I just appreciated the work I put into my academic career instead of criticizing it. Academic success doesn’t mean that you will be successful later in life. At the end of the day, a letter grade is just a letter. It doesn’t determine your worth. Getting an “B” doesn’t devalue you. I no longer want to let a grade take control of my college life. I want to be able to relax on Sundays. However, the programs I want to get into are based on academic success. I have to get the “A” grade. Whatever it takes even if it means making sacrifices.
What makes you not care about A instead of relaxing on Sunday?
Based on what you said, “I had turned college into a complete nightmare for me because my ego can’t handle getting a “B”. I wished I just appreciated the work I put into my academic career instead of criticizing it. ” It reminds me of the book called “Mindset,” which written by Carol S. Dweck. In her book, she has pointed out that there are two mindsets: the Growth Mindset and the Fixed Mindset. Do you know what mindset you’re in?
In her book, she talks about the “A test score is forever” in her explanation, she said that in the growth mindset, scores do not measure your wholse life. It may have some impact at that moment. However, in the long term, it only helps you to build a psychological bearing capacity and creates a way to deal with failure. Based on that, I think failure is constant, but success is an exception. Working hard and get used to with failure.
I think I may know why you scare to get lower scores or non-A. Because you always get higher scores or As, your parents may put positive labels for you and praise you a lot. These positive labels may make you fear to get Bs or lower scores. There are several reasons: you do not want to let your parents down or you do not want to lose these positive labels and praises. According to the book “Mindset,” how to praising and giving positive labels are skills. If people did not use correctly, it may have side effects on their child or student.
I wonder about your growth during childhood and adulthood. Do your parents’ high expectations influence your life a lot?
https://fs.blog/carol-dweck-mindset/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_Dweck
Here is the link: Mindset ebook pdf (Free).
https://book4you.org/book/5392919/73e73f
Yes, I recently heard of this book! This is a GREAT comment, Yiming
Wow. There is so much I can say about this. First I will say that it merits my giving it a lot of thought, and that shows that your points are so good. I will also say that as a teacher I have worried about this a lot. I even attended some webinars over the Pandemic about “Ungrading” and how and why to do it. Maybe you will find it interesting to learn about how some teachers feel about A’s and the challenges they are trying to overcome:
https://wvupressonline.com/node/844
http://www.susanblum.com/blog/ungrading
I will excerpt a tiny bit from the last one:
“To understand why research finds what it does about grades, we need to shift our focus from educational measurement techniques to broader psychological and pedagogical questions. The latter serve to illuminate a series of misconceived assumptions that underlie the use of grading.”
Reading your topic, I understand where you’re coming from. It really is tough to maintain such a high grade with expectations on the line and not wanting to disappoint not only others but yourself. Holding yourself to such standards is not easy, but it’s not a bad thing to hold yourself high, although it shouldn’t be an absolute must for yourself. We’re in a new age for College, COVID really rocked a lot of people’s expectations for College especially those who were Seniors of high school transitioning alone to a fully online school, especially where you’re going to learn what is going to be your future career.
“Getting an “B” doesn’t devalue you. I no longer want to let a grade take control of my college life. I want to be able to relax on Sundays. However, the programs I want to get into are based on academic success. I have to get the “A” grade. Whatever it takes even if it means making sacrifices.”
Reading this from your post really is the truth, sacrifices must be made in order for you to further prepare yourself in order to achieve something greater and maintain expectations.
I really like your idea for the opinion piece, thank you for sharing it!
I feel that getting a grade on a subject or a test on that subject doesn’t really prove much in terms of intelligence. It just holds you accountable on the fact you’re even paying attention rather than fully understanding and applying the material in real life.