Author: Jenny Liu

Waste kills living things,

The smell of flowers, trees, fresh fruits, the site of animals,

Contributions of productions, stadiums, transportations,

No longer a nature’s planet

My name is Jenny Liu. I am a student at City Tech studying health science. This is my third semester in college. I’m starting to doubt whether an A is worth it in college. I was a straight A student throughout high school. I remembered a saying, “Your grades don’t matter.” In high school, there is always that one teacher who tells students that an “A” is not important. I did not buy into that. Grades can get you into schools and programs. It puts you at a greater advantage.

At a young age, my parents had high expectations of me. Their idea of academic success equals getting an A. The A grade became implanted into my brain. I became hungry for academic validation. I was willing to do anything to get an A for the feeling of relief and worthiness. 

I left my parents at 12 years old. I left behind my friends and family in Manhattan for a school transfer. I transferred to a middle school in Michigan to get into their elite high school. It was hard at first. I didn’t know anyone and I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to. But I just sucked it up. I passed the entrance exam and finished seventh and eighth grade. I got straight A’s and received high honors at the honor conventions.  

High school was the time that got me more obsessed with the letter grade A. Everyone around me would just talk about their rankings and grades. It was nonstop about who was smarter or who was staying up longer to study. Every single day people would pull out their phones and compare their grades. During high school, the first thing I do in the mornings is to check my grades. I opened that grading app at least six times a day. 

When I graduated high school with straight A’s and high honors I had never felt more relief. I felt like I was worthy of being my parents’ kid. I was closing up a chapter of my life that I had strived so hard to achieve. The light that glowed on my parent’s faces when they opened that envelope with my transcript was unforgettable. 

College is where I wonder if the letter grade “A” was worth it. So far I have gotten all A’s. Most of my classes are online. I stare at a computer for hours everyday. I had never felt so miserable before. I felt so alone and isolated. I felt like I was trapped in my thoughts. I’m studying every single day. I have no time to do the things I wanted to do. I have no friends in New York. I felt like I have lost touch with everything. I don’t socialize with my friends on social media. I have no interest in leaving my home. Every night I go to bed worrying about my grades. I dedicate my time to studying and completing assignments. I don’t have a time where I’m not thinking about the materials I need to know, the assignment that is due, or my grades. There is a point where I would jolt awake in the middle of the night to recall the information I memorized. 

With the time I had spent studying and memorizing, I could have gone shopping, gone for a walk around the city, gone to a museum, traveled upstate, and hung out with my friends. I wished that I could tell myself that a B is just as good as an A. I am totally fine with getting B’s for the rest of college. However, there is always that little voice in my head telling me that I live on academic validation. If I don’t get A’s I will be a disappointment.

People say that college is supposed to be the best years of your life. Why does this not apply to me? College has become the worst years of my life. I had turned college into a complete nightmare for me because my ego can’t handle getting a “B”. I wished I just appreciated the work I put into my academic career instead of criticizing it. Academic success doesn’t mean that you will be successful later in life. At the end of the day, a letter grade is just a letter. It doesn’t determine your worth. Getting an “B” doesn’t devalue you. I no longer want to let a grade take control of my college life. I want to be able to relax on Sundays. However, the programs I want to get into are based on academic success. I have to get the “A” grade. Whatever it takes even if it means making sacrifices.