A constant disagreement I have with my parents is that I’m not allowed to cook more than two eggs at a time. I think that’s utterly stupid. The rule was made by my father in particular, however my stepmother will also enforce this rule on me. My father’s reasoning is because my cholesterol is high, but he’s referencing a test result from almost seven years ago, so likely outdated information is likely outdated information. Even if the three eggs are all I’m going to eat for the day, if either of my parents catch me, I’m in the grass. Cooking method doesn’t matter either. In fact, I relatively recently got in trouble with my stepmom concerning this issue. I had not eaten the whole day, and all I was having with three eggs was a small fried fish. It was after 10 at night, so this was all I was going to be eating for the day, and I begged her to spare me the trouble due to that. Nope. I got yelled at, and was threatened with having my misdeed revealed to my father. Yet when I asked if I should throw away the third egg, she said to just eat it, as I had already made it. Even then, she still threatened to call my father (she didn’t). I don’t know why she didn’t though, as I had already overstepped my egg boundary, so she may as well have.

Where this issue gets even more absurd is that firstly, my father is not a cook, so certain dishes, he will just throw stuff into there, and often one of those arbitrarily added ingredients is eggs. In fact, this very day, he made such a dish. These dishes will have more eggs added to them than I would usually cook for myself, and as a result, as serving of that meal may have more eggs in them than my parents would allow me to cook for myself. “The difference is that your dad is cooking for the whole family, no?” The answer to that is, yes, however, the numbers are the numbers. Secondly, we all know scientists are always back and forth on what’s healthy, what’s unhealthy, etc. In the case of eggs, going against the previously common knowledge that egg yolks are unhealthy, it is now said that all of the egg is not only healthy to eat, but actually helps lower cholesterol. The person who first reported this new alleged discovery to me? My father. Lastly, my father always gets on my case about not eating enough, getting concerned when I go too long without eating, and always says that I need to put on weight because I’m too skinny (a sentiment I full-heartedly share). He always tells me to never go hungry, and eat to whatever point I consider enough. Do you think just two eggs is going to cut it for anyone over the age of 13, at most? Is two eggs going ever help me in my journey to gain weight? Is two eggs going to be enough for the only meal of the day? Of course not, this man is on some nonsense.

As a result, I have two options. Either I cook eggs when neither of my parents are around, or I go to the deli and get an order than will contain more than two eggs. My parents can’t stop me from buying the food I want, so if they seek to dissuade me from cooking for myself, to the store I will go. Yes, this method is inherently spiteful. However, more than often, it’s the only way to get around this idiocy I’m subjected to, and spite is an inherently human guilty pleasure.