Prof. Jessica Penner | D304 | Spring 2022

Simi Babsogundeji, Short story 2 (revised with dialogue)

“This is so much fun!” I screamed on the back of a motorcycle. ‘Can’t… believe… I haven’t… done this before” screaming through my hair blowing into my mouth and sticking to my lip-gloss.

Divine smiles as we continue to make our way to the famous town diner. We pass by the beach where everyone’s either sun tanning, playing volleyball, children building sand houses, and adults getting drunk on the beach. “2022 bitchesss!” girls run topless and clearly drunk.

Parking his bike in front of the diner we fix ourselves from the wind as we enter. A wave of cold air hits us as we leave the humid air that had our clothes sticking. It felt good for the moment, but I know I’d be shivering real soon.

The host greets us with a soft smile “Hi welcome to Moon diner. Table for 2?”. “yes, thank you.” We reply and chuckle in unison. The scenery of the diner is literally in the name, looks like a scene from the show The 100 when they were living of the spaceship.

“ahh, finally food I’m starving”. I say. We are stoned as hell right now I’m getting 3 plates.

“don’t do what you always do and start getting multiple plates and not finishing them please.” says Divine while scanning the menu, like he just read into my mind. I playfully roll my eyes and smile.

I watch him as he looks through admiring him, he’s so handsome, dark, tall, with a beautiful body. (he goes to the gym). Putting my hand on top of his I smile with the words “I love you” coming out. He says the same back and reaches over to kiss me.

“Sorry to interrupt.” The waitress comes in almost embarrassed. “My name is Nadia I’ll be your waitress today would you like to start ordering?

“it’s alright that’s no problem I’m starving anyways.” I tell her

“Um no it is a problem why would she come in the middle of us just now.” Divine says somewhat angrily

I look at him in confusion “I’m so sorry can you just give us a moment”.  Nadia nods and walks away.

“What the hell was that”

“What do you mean? She rudely interrupted us”

“Yea interrupted us from kissing something we do all day. She was only trying to do her job and cater to us. Show her some respect. That can be you one day at work and getting disrespected”

“Uh uh, it won’t I’m not interested in a job, I got my own source of money” leaning back into his seat

“So what happens when this money runs out then what”

“Little girl it won’t, I got this”

“C’mon Divine you need to get a job now we’re older now, no more mommy money. I have a job, I can get you an application for where I work”

“No.” his eyes enlarge; brows begin to get bushier and gets up to go outside. Yup, he’s mad.

Literally every time we try to talk about our future he always deflects and avoids the conversation. He’s scared of the reality, but the more he avoids it the harder it will be to face it. If I can’t even convince him to get a job, I can only imagine how it will be when I bring up going to college.

4 Comments

  1. Aninda Das

    what is your story based on ?
    Who are some of the characters in this story?
    Who is the “he” in this story?

  2. JamesVegas

    1. The visualization of the first four paragraphs were great. It made you feel like you were there somewhat.
    2. Chemistry involved with each character was solid, nobody felt left out when reading the dialogue included.
    3. Small punctuation fixes at the beginning and end of the dialogue sentences could be revised, but nothing that takes away from the story.
    4. No other parts of the story needed dialogue, everything fits where it should be overall.

  3. Rabbi

    The story setting is really good. I felt like I am reading some kind of story book.
    All the dialogues are very clear.
    Maybe adding name for the dialogue?
    Maybe punctuation in some of the sentence can be fixed otherwise it looks great to me.

  4. Aninda Das

    The story is great and has a awesome back and forth with the charcters which was enjoyable for next time explain what the job would be

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