Prof. Jessica Penner | D304 | Spring 2022

Austin Vegas: Short Story 2 (Revised with Dialogue)

It was a dark stormy night inside of the office building, all of the lights were off as everyone seemed of gone home. However Rebecca, a young 2X year old was behind on her publishing date and needed to get the first draft of her novel done by then. She thought to herself, ‘Damn f*ck this publisher! Making me stay overtime just to finish my first draft! I’m the only one here and its getting late!’ Her books were known to be rather dark, menacing and gruesome villains that will seek to ruin the protagonists group by hunting them down one by one in the shadows. This is a hit idea with the young adults who like action but with a not so cliche hero plot with lots of death and sorrow. The series is already on its fifth volume and is skyrocketing to the top 10 most bought series of all time.

The vigorous clicking and clacking on her keyboard can be heard throughout the dark and quiet office building floor. All of the office room cubbies with different objects and pictures on each of the walls each of them with its own unique charm to it. Hours go by as the light emitting from the blind of the nearby window as a long CRACK of thunder can be heard making Rebecca jump up out of her chair, “EEP! Son of a bitch-” she screamed aloud with her heart beating out of her chest in a scared shaky tone. ‘I need to finish up quick so that I can go home I don’t get paid enough for this shit!’ The howling of the wind and water droplets hitting against the office building can be heard throughout the empty office floor. Rebecca finished her first first draft by her publishers set deadline as she quickly turns her desktop off so that she can head on the closest bus home. ‘Thank god that shit is done with now I need to catch the 10:30 pm bus..’

She gathers her things from her locker next to the main entrance to the office floor. Her coat, umbrella and her medium sized black and pink backpack with her notes and her laptop were inside. Checking the contents of her bag to make sure she didn’t lose anything she felt a large presence glooming behind her as a hand presses against her shoulder. She would quickly jump and turn around with her fists up ready in case it was an intruder. “Don’t come any closer! I know jujutsu!!” she would yell aloud as it was just Jerald the security guard patrolling the floors. “Oh sorry! I didn’t mean to sneak up on you! What are you still doing here Rebecca? Working overtime again?” He would say in his heavy Russian accent as he pointed to the door. She would sigh a relief as it was someone she knew, “Yeah… these publisher bastards making me work my fine little head off to get their story done, I’m so sick of it.” She lowered her hands as Jerald would tap her shoulder. “Alright I get it now, I’ll walk you outside so you don’t get scared again ha!” He would jokingly laugh as Rebecca wasn’t amused, “Haha.. how funny Jerald, this is probably why no one likes your jokes-” As they both walked down the stairs of their small office bickering back and forth under their breath about each other as they reached the exit.

She would wave Jerald goodbye, “Get home safe Rebecca I heard there is some creepers around here this kind of night!” he yell as she rushes out of the office building with her large black and white strip patterned umbrella and her bright red raincoat she checks her surroundings to make sure she wasn’t being followed. Once she started walking a sense of a dark presence can be felt the closer she got to the bus station. Every time she turned to see who it was there was no one there. Another loud CRACK can be heard as the wind along with the rain picks up causing her to look forward again as the pace of her steps quickens. ‘Better not be someone following me before I chuck this umbrella in their face…” As the bright lights of the station got closer and closer a loud horn can be heard in the distance. She was about to miss the last bus home. The steps behind her start to get louder and louder but she stubbornly doesn’t look back. The speed of her steps gets quicker and quicker as she goes into a full out sprint. The doors for the bus were still open as she steps onboard gasping for air.
However, there was a large man behind her and as she turned around in a quick manner she realizes it was one of her close friends who was also a fan of her book, his name is Marcus. He was always up at this time because he does a lot of overtime for his construction job, since he was the newbie there they would make him do a lot of the heavy lifting and later hours for more cash. He was gasping for air as he barely made the final bus home as well. His hand would be raised in greeting to her, “Sorry if I scared you- I was heading for the bus too and I saw your red coat but couldn’t say hi.” Rebecca would sigh as a relief was taken off her shoulders “You do know that you can just call out my name instead of creeping around like that you idiot-” She shook her head repeatedly as she was mad at him for scaring her as she then yelled “YOU ALSO HAVE MY NUMBER TOO!” The bus driver would motion for them to step inside the bus more so that he can close the bus doors. They then both paid for their ride they sit next to one another and start to catch up since the last time they met.


  1. Lisa

    I enjoy how scary this story is! Definitely one creative twist at the end. I like how unexpected it was. As far as dialogue, I enjoy how you capitalize at the right moments where it’s needed. It helps add depth to the story. Maybe adding some dialogue at the beginning where she is alone might be good. Like adding a talking to herself moment. Besides that, everything else is great!

  2. Dree-Nica Isemar

    I liked how there was tension in the story when Rebecca was heading back home and there was someone following her in the middle of the storm.
    I how the dialogue showed what type of character Rebecca is.
    I think there was enough dialogue to get into the story.

  3. Adrian Polanco

    1. One of the things I enjoyed about this story was the relatability, rebecaa seems like a character that will Express herself regardless of her language which is honestly how I am.
    2. The dialogue really added this sense of truth or realism to the story. Its definitely something that can happen to an everyday person and I feel as though I was her in certain moments.
    3. I don’t really have many suggestions seeing how your story has the dialogue where I would think fits best. If I had to say something I would maybe include longer pieces of dialogue.
    4. I would suggest more dialogue towards the end where the 2 characters are catching up, it could Express their relationship and what they talk about in their way home.

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