Growing up as an only child was often considered a privilege. People I used to be friends with and sometimes people I recently met would tell me how easy my life must be without siblings. To be honest, I do have some perks, but those perks don’t always outweigh the empty space I felt growing up. I don’t remember much of my childhood. Everything pretty much feels like a blur, and memories are saved in the form of polaroids. But, I was always fortunate to have a roof over my head and food on the table.

Before people mistake me for being spoiled and ungrateful, I am far from being one of those kids. I was raised by an amazing single mother who, until now, has shown me what it means to be a strong independent woman. I would never stop talking about my mom to my friends. My friends tend to ask me about my relationship with my dad, and I don’t really bring it up because I don’t have the best relationship with him. I do have love for my dad, but I don’t feel like he was the one who raised me during my teenage years.

My parents separated around 2012, and every month I would stay with my dad for a week and come back home to my mom. I remember him saying negative things about my mom, like how the divorce was her fault, but there are always two sides to every story. I used to buy the things he said until I realized he was manipulating me, so I would pity him and choose him. Luckily, I confirmed his lies from my aunt and uncle, his own siblings, because they cared about me and did not want me to be blindsided. I still wonder why he had to lie to me, but I think it was because he needed someone by his side, and I was his only person.

Fast forward to 2018, I decided to leave my family to pursue my college degree in New York. I was born in New York, and my parents and I have lived here until I was 9 years old, but we migrated to their hometown, Indonesia. I occasionally talked to my dad through the phone while in the city. Still, I could never consistently bring myself to speak to him like how I was with my mom. After all the trials and tribulations I faced moving back to the city by myself, I thought it was time to visit my family in August 2020. After not seeing my dad for 2 years, I was excited to spend time with him, but before I entered my grandma’s house, he revealed to me that he had a son and was getting married soon. I felt betrayed because he lied to me again and pressured me to call his fiance ‘mom.’ I was uncomfortable because she did not make an effort to get to know me. Still, my dad forced me to approach her first.

The following day, I called my mom to pick me up from my grandma’s house, and she knew something was wrong. She respected my feelings and gave me the space I needed, but I did not come forth to her until I flew back to New York. My dad called and texted me multiple times, but I declined them. I had nothing to say to him because he did not care about my feelings; he was selfish. I ignored him around 3 months after arriving in New York and told him how I truly felt. The sad thing is, he did not apologize for lying to me and said that I should be more understanding and nicer to his wife. I finally drew to a conclusion that my dad will never truly understand how I feel, and no matter what I say, he will always try to prove his point of view.