17 thoughts on “Feedback for Pamela (Essay 2)”

  1. The beginning of your essay was very confusing, you jumped straight into giving us your reasoning without stating your claim. Your first paragraph was many ideas all in one, I think it would be nice if you went into details about each that way it word be more organized. I like how you summarized the articles that you read and how you talked about different studies contradicting each other. I also liked that you brought up the issue of gun control . You used many citations to help back up your claim.

  2. You did good on sticking  to your side and giving evidence to prove your claim . Also you summary from the article was good too. But on your first paragraph you didn’t have claim, you just give your reasons. You had lots of evidence I feel like you should analyze the evidence more.

  3. First off the topic of your essay appeals to me, and you used evidence to support your side the entire essay. There could have been a better counterclaim seeing as you didn’t really have one. Your opening paragraph was a little shaky and confusing to read, but overall the essay was good. I also think that you should work on your writing structure to make your essay easier for readers to understand

  4. Great Start to you essay, I believe that you had a great amount of outside information but there was a lot more outside information then your own personal experience  with video games. You said you play video games so you can include how do you feel when playing , do you get hyped up at certain moments. What’s make you feel the way you feel when playing the games you play. There is a point and time everyone get angry about a video game. Have you experienced anyone else get so mad over a little game. I think your conclusion was cut shirt , you just have readers what more about violent video games

  5. I felt like your thesis was very clear but I do feel like you should include your own experience with video games. You should use transition words when explaining the quotes such as (this quote portrays, this quote illustrates, etc) include more details explaining the quotes as well. Also for your body paragraph you go straight in to the article you used I feel like you should put your topic sentence before you do that.

  6. I really enjoyed your essay and think you chose an interesting topic. I could see based on how you spoke in your essay that you felt passionate about this topic. In terms of corrections, I would say just fix up some of the grammar and mistakes in the sentencing, such as word choice. Also since this is an argumentative essay you should make your claim more prominent, include an opposing viewpoint and also add your own personal experience of your time spent gaming and the effects it leaves on you, mentally.

  7. While reading your essay it was clear to see what side you were on, you had details that you explained on. However I think your essay needed a counterclaim. Also there were some grammar mistakes and for the conclusion it seemed like you were getting ready to add more information it wasn’t really a conclusion.

  8. Your thesis came out clearly but the essay needs to be more clearly organized. Each paragraph you wrote had many details and discussions about your thesis. You can switch up your word choices. Use much stronger words than basic words. This engages the reader more. You can include a counter claim. Overall it was a good essay.

  9. I enjoyed your essay and think your thesis was clear. You provided a good amount of details to back up you side which was good, however you didn’t have a counterclaim which would’ve make your essay better overall. There was some grammatical errors as well but I really liked your essay.

  10. I think your essay was clear but you need more work to support you claim, include more details explaining the quotes as well.  Also for your body paragraph you go straight in to the article you used, maybe it would be nice if you went into details about each that way it word be more organized. I like how you analize the articles that you read and how you talked about different studies each other, overall it almost perfect. 

  11. I thought you had a good essay and gave solid details to support your claim. It was easy to understand what side you were on in your argument. However the only issue were some grammar mistakes that you made which could be fixed. Also adding more details for a counterclaim.

  12. You were able clear your side clearly. However, when you first started discussing your side, it was a bit tricky to understand because your reasoning was not very clear. If you stated your claim than discussed your reasoning, your essay could of had a much better flow. Also, your counterclaim was not very clear. Other then that, I liked how you were able to prove your points with solid evidence and were able to make good points.

  13. Overall this essay was good, however I believe you should add more detail on where these sources are coming from.  For example “A study in July looked at more the 3,000-“, what is the name of the study or where did it come from? Adding details reflecting the sources and adding names will help the reader understand the authenticity of the source.

  14. your essay was good. I think you should add more about where your information come from. it was clear and easy to understand. Something you could add is a counter claim because that was the point of making this type of essay. Also add more about your personal experience playing video games.

  15. I enjoyed reading your essay. You’ve made your claim clear. However, I think you should indent, and add a counterclaim. I also think you should organize your paragraphs. I like your correlation between gun control, South Korea and video games. I also liked how well you backed up your claim in every paragraph with a piece of textual evidence.

  16. I can tell which side you were arguing for in your essay but the introduction can be improved. The introduction has some things that divert the focus from the main idea, such as Japan having gun control laws. I think you should include more details about how video games don’t cause violence instead of just gun violence so your argument can be expanded towards violence as a whole. You can also include a counterclaim to strengthen your side.

  17. You need to be clear about your claim and it was a little confusing especially your first paragraph. Also, you can add a counterclaim you make your side sound stronger. In addition you can add about gun violence happening in the real world .

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