16 thoughts on “Feedback for Triston (Essay 2)”

  1. I like how in your essay you started off my giving is a little background on different claims made on the controversial topic of video games cause long violence , you then went on to declare the side you were choosing by stating a very clear claim. I like that you could relate to the topic because you are a gamer  by, you cited the articles you used and had different quotations to support your claim. In your essay you started a new paragraph without finishing the idea. Instead of using “also” you could’ve just taken that word out and continued on so your essay would look more organized

  2. You made some strong points in your argument about how video games don’t actually cause violence and like that you included evidence from articles. You also make some good points about laws on gun possession. With that, you can include the correlation between high violence countries, gun possession laws, and video games and explain how they’re linked. Your essay had perfect grammar but it can be better if you added a counter claim and more details.

  3. The essay was generally a good paper with a clear central idea. (The central idea could have been kept a little more directly in focus.) Paragraphs could be improved by focusing them on topic sentences better. The essay has some very fine insights and interpretations in it. Your thesis is good, clear, and the argument is persuasive. The organization and discussion could be improved quite a bit,. I liked how you put your own personal experience into it like how you play videos games also and you are a gamer. 

  4. I like how you got straight to the point with pointing out many claims that are made about video games making people violent. There are people who are actually violent because of video games maybe you can include what’s the cause of that. Putting your own personal experience  with video made this essay good. Your thesis was very clear I knew right away what your claim was. You should add more example though it will make this stronger.

  5. Reading your essay it was clear what your position was, for people who don’t play video games I think they couldn’t relate to some of the points you were making. There was times when you could of included more details and explain them. The conclusion was good it was right to the point.

  6. I like how you started your essay giving us a little details on your experience with violent video games I think you should talk more about that. I agree with your statement and your statement was very clear. You did have a few grammatical errors and you should give more examples to support your thesis statement. I also think you should include what you think makes people violent if not video games but, overall good job.

  7. I like how you entered your essay, your claims are clearly consistent and well explained, I also liked how you supported your claim with very specific opinions. I think he has all the basic parts in his essay, although with some grammatical flaws his thesis is good, clear and the argument is persuasive, you just have to work a little on the organization.

  8. I like how you introduced your claim because it was very clear on where you stood. I also like how you add your own experiences with video games. One thing that I felt that you could have done was make the rebuttlal argument stronger because your rebuttal that you have now is not that strong. Your side of the argument was very strong though and I feel if your whole essay would have been ;like that it would have perfect.

  9. Your thesis statement was made clear and straight to the point and I also enjoyed how you made a personal connection in your essay, making the essay feel more relatable by bringing your incorporating your own experience in it. You were able to prove all your points with solid evidence. However, an improvement that could have been made the structure and organization of your essay. For example, when you started a new point, that could have been where a new paragraph is made. Overall, it was a good essay.

  10. Your thesis statement was made clear and straight to the point and I also enjoyed how you made a personal connection in your essay, making the essay feel more relatable by bringing your incorporating your own experience in it. You were able to prove all your points with solid evidence. However, an improvement that could have been made the structure and organization of your essay. For example, when you started a new point, that could have been where a new paragraph is made. Overall, it was a good essay.

  11. You essay was a good start I liked how you added your own personal experience on video games to your essay and your opinion on video violence.I also liked how clear your essay was. Something you can work on is the structure of your essay.

  12. The initiation of the essay was a very meaningful one as you begin with a counter argument, which automatically helps the reader on what this essay is for and why it is made. You do a good job in sourcing articles for evidence that helps sustain the points and arguments being used within the essay. Over all the essay was good.

  13. your essay has a good star. I liked how you add your personal experience into it. your conclusion was clear. I also think you should include what you think makes people violent if not video games. your thesis was clear and I think you should support it with more details. 

  14. your essay has a good star. I liked how you add your personal experience into it. your conclusion was clear. I also think you should include what you think makes people violent if not video games. your thesis was clear and I think you should support it with more details. 

  15. I really enjoyed reading your essay. You had a clear thesis, and strong statements throughout your essay. I think your correlation between gun possession, North Korea and video games is good. Especially since, you supported these statements with details. For example, in your paragraph 5, you connect all three and supported it with an article. Something you can improve is your counterclaim.

  16. Something you need to work on is your counterclaim because I feel like you can make a strong point to prove your claim by adding a counterclaim. But, overall I like how you started your essay with many controversial .

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