“My life would have been very different if i had the opportunities you have”
I would always remember those words that my mom told me. It was a hot day in summer. The air shimmered with a palpable intensity.It was a day that demanded stillness, a day where time seemed to slow to a crawl under the weight of the relentless sun. I came home stressed from the heat and the bad day I had at work. As soon as I saw my mom I bursted into tears.
When I told my mom that I felt like the weight of my own insignificance pressed down upon me, a constant reminder of my lack of purpose. Specially coming from a family that immigrated to give us better future and education. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. Thats when my mom made me realized that I was doing the same thing that my parents did, they worked and never had the desire to do something bigger with their lives because they never had that support of their parents financially and emotionally. Its been three years that I had graduated high school and I was done wondering what I wanted to do with my life and decided to pursue what I always wanted but had been so scared to do it and fail.
That was my last summer working , I applied for college and decided to major as a dental hygienist. Even though, I know its not going to be a easy journey it feels like finally Im in the right path.
im glad you are continuing to push yourself!
Hi Domenica, I can relate to feeling like I’m not doing enough at times and the pressure of having an immigrant family that works hard for our future. I’m glad that you feel like you are on the right path right now, keep pushing and never stop! You are going to do great.
Hi Dominica! I’ve felt very similar feelings in the past especially like I’m not doing enough. It takes us all some time to really figure out what it is we want in life and it can always change but I’m glad you found something you are passionate about. You’re doing amazing!
Heya Domenica, your use of sensory details, such as the shimmering air and the weight of the sun enhances the atmosphere and makes your writing more compelling. I also likes the portrayal of the moment when you shared your feelings with your mom, you emphasized how powerful the moment was by capturing your venerability and self reflection. I too know the suffocating feeling of feeling like you could do more with life, like you don’t have control.
To further enrich your narrative, consider going into a bit more detail of your personal experiences and challenges of your three years out of highschool. Perhaps you could share a specific instance that highlights your fear and how you overcame it, adding depth to your writing. Additionally you could add context on why you decided to pursue dental hygiene.
anyways, it was a nice read and a good story, I hope you fulfill your dreams and make your family proud.
As always,
John
Please consider these helpful comments from Jonathan!
Domenica: Ok good start but now — Can you make an outline of events you will include in your story?
What is the MI main idea/focus of your story? How you found your way to return to school after three years of stopping after high school? Reach back into your memory to find the events that led you to college.
I: Intro start with the quote from your mother:
“My life would have been very different if i had the opportunities you have”
[good scene here – NOW add more CSD]. I would always remember those words that my mom told me. It was a hot day in summer. The air shimmered with a palpable intensity.It was a day that demanded stillness, a day where time seemed to slow to a crawl under the weight of the relentless sun. I came home stressed from the heat and the bad day I had at work. As soon as I saw my mom I bursted into tears. [Where was she? And you? Kitchen, doorway? CSD needed]
WHAT job were you doing? WHAT was happening in your life? WHAT frustrations at the job? OR was it life in general?
II. The job I had for three years that was leading me nowhere. (Now continue to fill in the events for your outline)
When I told my mom that I felt like the weight of my own insignificance pressed down upon me, a constant reminder of my lack of purpose. [What job were you doing at this time? CSD needed! Lack of purpose meaning? Purpose in life? That’s pretty big – SHOW me your sense of loss – You were working at WHAT job? You were feeling? SHOW me CSD that show your life going nowhere.]
III. FAMILY BACKGROUND Especially —Specially coming from a family that immigrated to give us better future and education. [CSD needed – what country? How many years were you here in America? Was language a barrier?]. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. [meaning? Enough of WHAT? Earnings? Contributing to household financially? Not going to school? CSD needed!].
Thats when my mom made me realized that I was doing the same thing that my parents did, they worked and never had the desire to do something bigger with their lives because they never had that support of their parents financially and emotionally. [Again give a few details of your parents’ story? Where did the emigrate from? What work did they do there in their home country? Did you parents have the opportunity for education? EXPLAIN a bit of their backstory to SHOW YOUR “desire to do something bigger with your life”]
Its [fix] been three years that I had graduated high school and I was done wondering what I wanted to do with my life and decided to pursue what I always wanted but had been so scared to do it and fail.
CSD needed – What were you doing for these THREE years?
As Jonathan suggests, can you give a few details of your fears? NEED more details!
That was my last summer working , I applied for college and decided to major as a dental hygienist. [there’s a lot missing here: WHAT events happened to make you decide on dental hygiene?].
Even though, I know its not going to be a easy journey it feels like finally Im in the right path.