One Scene — Diana N.

I have two older brothers. My oldest brother is 14 years older than me and my second brother is 10 years older. By the time I was born they were 10 and 14 years old. So growing up I always felt alone in the sense of by the time I was 10 I would want to play but my brothers were 20 and 24 so they were already on the path of adulthood and my parents were in their 40’s and strict so I didn’t have many friends because they trusted no one. I remember trying to talk to my mom about how I felt telling her, “ Ma I’m sad.”

“Why, what happened?” she replied.

“I asked Junior if he could take me to the park. But when I did, he said that he was busy playing a game and that I should ask Ammar.” I remember saying in a disappointed manner.

“ Well then just go ask him,” said my mom.

 I told her that I already did and that he basically said the same thing Junior said, adding that he was going out later anyways so he didn’t have the time.

All I remember my mom saying to me after I said that was, “Diana, mami, You need to understand that they are older than you now, and need to understand that they are busy and have to attend to certain things first. Remember they are adults, and you need to respect that, so keep that in mind the next time you ask them something unserious like, to play with you.”

I remember after reading that I went outside to the small backyard we had at the time, and just sat there upset.

Now that I’m older you would assume that I understand where my mom and brothers were coming from, but no, till today I just feel sad for my younger self. Whenever I think back to those moments, I just ask myself “ why did I have to understand them as adults? why couldn’t they just understand me as a kid?”  but it logically made sense. Ammar and Junior were only 4 years apart. Even with my parents being strict, it didn’t matter because they got the chance to grow up together, they had each other. I on the other hand was the only girl who was born a decade after them. I think that was mostly why I dove so deep into reading, because I realized that by reading I was able to dive into the worlds I wanted to. I had that power, and it felt amazing.