It was freshman year of highschool, I was in the robotics club at 3pm on a tuesday. It was calm and quiet, there were 3 other individuals working on their robots and so was I. The teacher talked occasionally but mostly grading students’ works. While I love robotics and I would love to write about it about how it encouraged my career choice, that’s not impacted me the most. I was hearing people in the hallway talking about “student government,” I was curious, but I was way too shy to even walk in there and consider asking questions let alone walking up to one person. I was a quiet kid and was shy, especially since I felt excluded from most groups. But a week later I decided to walk into the robotics club and tell the teacher that I will visit Student Government and he replied with “alright, will you be back?” I said maybe. That choice changed the next four years of high school.
I went into student government, and I was quiet, shy and I didn’t speak most of the time. I was just adjusting to a club that requires leadership and to be outspoken. After a while I became used to it, and I began to speak more. I provided suggestions, advice, planned events, made events, and spoke for others in providing an idea. Next year, it was sophomore year, and I was with my friends in student government on a cool Tuesday. We sat closest to the door, and we asked if anyone wanted to run, and I decided I wanted to, and my group of friends were going to help me. One of my friends “Qalel” decided to become my vice (after much convincing) and my other friends “Samantha” and “Mia” were going to help with advertisement. Mia drew posters of me and Qalel and Samantha made little candy bags saying, “vote for Alex” and gave it to people. Then the day came where I had to give a speech to the entire 10th grade, and more because there were 10th graders with other higher grade and lower grade people. I was shaking and my friend was holding up the poster on stage and it was terrifying, although my friend was bolder than me and went on mic and said “everyone be quiet” while they were all talking. I gave my speech and was terrified, but I still pulled through. After a week or two I did not win, however that didn’t stop me.
In that year I also joined the young man’s leadership and mentorship club. In which Those are stories all in their own. In 11th grade the pandemic hit so I decided to relax a little with clubs and I didn’t run for anything. But then came 12th grade, senior year. I decided to run for School President, I had a costume/mascot. It was the plague doctor with the motto “avoid boredom like the plague” which was interesting especially after a pandemic. I also ran for young man’s leadership President and mentorship club president. I won YML and School President. Freshman year I was so quiet, timid and unassertive. Now Senior year I became president of 2 clubs and speak for the students, creating events, organizing, assigning people, advocating for change and making it more fun for students. With all that I learned my passion for leadership, to guide others, to make a difference, to be less shy and more vocal about the problems that has been present for some time, and ones that have arrisen recently.
Alex
You have a good start, but you need to make your writing come alive. Can you notice that you are just telling me? Instead you must be SHOWING me a few well-chosen scenes from your educational life. We are learning to write with CSD and rich details! You need at least TWO scenes and at least ONE scene with dialogue.
· Remember how Colin Powell described his first day at City College (the weather, the buildings, the bus ride, the bagel man — so many rich details).
· Remember how Malcolm X described his late night reading (the guards, the dim light, the feigning of sleep, the 57 minutes — so many rich details.).
I can remember those scenes even now as I write this. You too must create scenes like that — scenes that create THEATER OF THE MIND for you reader, me.
Notice that you are telling in a quick and breezy way and running through a lot of points. Focus on SHOWING how being on SGovt changed you, SAVED you from being a shy no-body and gave you confidence and changed your life!
Work on:
· paragraphing
· timeline
· CSD
Here I offer some edits inserted in your piece:
It was freshman year of highschool [WHAT school?], I was in the robotics club at 3pm on a tuesday. It was calm and quiet, there were 3 other individuals working on their robots and so was I. The teacher talked occasionally but mostly grading students’ works. [CUT–While I love robotics and I would love to write about it about how it encouraged my career choice, that’s not impacted me the most.—CUT] [Since it was quiet in our robotics room,] I was hearing people in the hallway talking about “student government,” [Comma Splice error CS…need full stop PERIOD]. I was curious, but I was way too shy to even walk in there and consider asking questions let alone walking up to one person. [CSD concrete specific details needed — WHO was in the hall talking about SGovt? The popular kids? WHAT thoughts were going though your mind?] I was a quiet kid and was shy, especially since I felt excluded from most groups [CSD a few sentences on WHY were you excluded? Were you a loner? WHAT group did you fit into? More CSD on your personality. SHOW me with CSD that you were timid, shy, unassertive DON’T JUST TELL ME].
[WHAT thoughts started going through your head? WHY were you interested in SG? WHAT did you know about SG?] But a week later I decided to walk into the robotics club and tell the teacher that I will visit Student Government and he replied with “[CAPITAL] alright, will you be back?” I said maybe. That choice changed the next four years of my high school life.
[Wait events in the TIMELINE missing: Did you run in the election? How did that feel when you campaigned? When you won? Surprised?] I went into student government, and I was quiet, shy [repetitive] and I didn’t speak most of the time. I was just adjusting to a club that requires leadership and to be outspoken. After a while I became used to it, and I began to speak more. I provided suggestions, advice, planned events, made events, and spoke for others in providing an idea. [CSD — specific projects you remember working on? Then WHAT change in your personality was happening in that first year of SG? Making friends? Finding your people?]
[new par] Next year, it was sophomore year, and I was with my friends [you now had friends – WHEN did that happen?] in student government on a cool [cool as in temperature?] Tuesday. We [Who?] sat closest to the door, and [WHAT was the group talking about? WHAT was happening – the officer elections? need much more CSD! WHAT was the room energy like?] we asked if anyone wanted to run, and —
[new par] I decided I wanted to, and my group of friends were going to help me. [for WHAT office? WHY did you run?] One of my friends [no quotes needed for friends] “Qalel” decided to become my vice (after much convincing) and my other friends “Samantha” and “Mia” were going to help with advertisement. Mia drew posters of me and Qalel and Samantha made little candy bags saying, “vote for Alex” and gave it to people.
[new par] Then the day [WHAT day? More CSD describe the atmosphere, suspense, excitement] came where I had to give a speech to the entire 10th grade, and more because there were 10th graders with other higher grade and lower grade people. I was shaking and my friend was holding up the poster on stage and it was terrifying, although my friend was bolder than me and went on mic and said “everyone be quiet” while they were all talking. I gave my speech and was terrified [Here create a scene WHERE was the speech held? WHERE were you standing? WHAT did you see out in the audience? WHAT DID YOU SAY IN YOUR SPEECH? Give some of the words – quote yourself? HOW did you feel? (more CSD than terrified) HOW did you act? SHOW something that is evidence of your growing self confidence. HOW did the crowd react?] but I still pulled through.
[new par] After a week or two I did not win, however that didn’t stop me. In that year [WHAT year?] I also joined the young man’s leadership and mentorship club [WHAT is the name of the club? Is it a school club? What is the purpose? HOW did you change/grow from participating in this club?] In which Those are stories all in their own [huh?]. In 11th grade the pandemic hit so I decided to relax a little with clubs and I didn’t run for anything.
But then came 12th grade, senior year. [TIMELINE needed. Give time frame in relation to pandemic.] I decided to run for School President [WHAT were your reasons for running? SHOW me your thought process! It’s a big deal to run for president! Were you a different person from the shy guy freshman? Explain a bit!] , I had a costume/mascot. It was the plague doctor with the motto “avoid boredom like the plague” [good detail] which was interesting especially after a pandemic. [more CSD on your campaign!] I also ran for young man’s leadership President and mentorship club president. [CSD – WHO were your opponents? SHOW me how you campaigned. SHOW me how you had changed/grown. Was there a campaign event that shows the new you.] I won YML and School President. Freshman year I was so quiet, timid and unassertive. Now Senior year I became president of 2 clubs and speak for the students, creating events, organizing, assigning people, advocating for change and making it more fun for students. [Describe one special project you oversaw as president] With all that I learned my passion for leadership, to guide others, to make a difference, to be less shy and more vocal about the problems that has been present for some time, and ones that have arrisen recently.