Lisette,
This is a good first draft. Please download the file above /\/\/\/\ with my comments on it. A few things:
–There are a couple good conflicts and/or points of tension in the essay that I think you could try to develop a bit more in the next draft by adding more passages and details that show the reader what’s at stake. You could focus on 1 of these conflicts/themes throughout the essay:
1) your impressions of a teacher and how this affects your learning—and also how your impression of a teacher changes over time (and why)
2) why it was so hard for you to write the essay—harder, it seems, than studying for tests; you could try to show us some of the different factors involved that led you not to want to write…
–Make up a name for the teacher to refer to her by something more specific than “her” (or use her real name if you want).
–I’ve highlighted several “comma splices.” Please Google this and try to learn from the web what a “comma splice” is and how to fix them. If you need my help, let me know.
Thanks,
M
Hey Lisette,
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I particularly enjoyed how you started off with your essay because it makes it more relatable to all of us as college students when we are entering a new class for the first time. Usually we’re uncertain as to what we are supposed to expect from not only the professor, but also the rest of the class as to whether or not the time spent there each week would be an enjoyable and memorable one. I also liked how during the time you were speaking on your experience in your psychology class, you were able to vividly paint a picture as to what occurred during the different sessions in which you attended class, such as the first day with the professor yelling at one of their students for not following her no-phone policy. I feel as if it helped us, as the audience, follow the next steps in which you were going with your story. You also demonstrated fairness in how you felt towards her in which you expressed your approvals and disapprovals of how she conducted her class.
There are a few ways in which you can make improvements when you make revisions for this essay. The first thing I would suggest for you to do is to connect what you wanted the audience to know about your story and find the right title to name your essay; I feel as if that would captivate readers to be even more interested in what you want to share with them. Also, when it came to the conversation you had with your professor regarding the essay you didn’t complete in time, I would suggest that you could use dialogue to show how she really felt when you approached her about extending the due date for you. It could show the audience both points-of-view as to how she could be strict but also understanding enough to extend it for you.
Besides that, I really enjoyed your essay and hope that your experiences with your classes become better from here on out.
Hey Lisette,
I hope all is well. I enjoyed reading your essay as it talks about your educational experience in your first semester. I would suggest a more captivating title to really grab your audience towards reading your essay. It was interesting to see the way your mood changed from the professor the first day you met her to now. I would have liked to read more about your relationship with your professor because you seem to really have enjoyed the class. The realization on putting in the work to get a good grade was a great lesson to take away. Can’t wait to read the final copy.
Hey Lisette,
I enjoyed reading your essay I found it very relatable for us as college students. I loved how in the beginning it seemed as if your professor wasn’t good and she seemed as if she was going to be a pain in the butt with her rules and how she wanted things done. However, you were able to acknowledge the fact that you might have judged her and she isn’t that bad after all since she was trying to help you not to have a bad grade. Overall I thought your essay was good I do suggest that you find a good title for your final draft.
Hello Lisette,
Lovely draft! Its seems pretty complete already. I’m happy that in the end you were able to secure a high grade in the class despite your laziness. Your story remained on track and was pretty straightforward. Time flowed seamlessly, and your events were organized and easy to understand. I feel like your initial assumptions about the teacher sticks out as an unnecessary detail. If it is integral to the story you can mention it again as she gives you the extra chances to hand in your essay, or tells you that she doesn’t want your grade to drop a whole letter. If it is not integral, then it doesn’t have to be in the story. It doesn’t add to the lesson of hard work as it stands. Speaking of which, it would be best if you did not explicitly state that that was the lesson. The moral of the story is better hinted or displayed than dictated.
Be safe!
Hey Lisette,
I liked reading your essay because I can definitely relate. Procrastinating is something I suffer from as well. Maybe some dialogue can help push the story along and enhance your overall “theme”.
Your essay is every relate able because myself I’m a procsstinator Your thought about the teacher was unnecessary because even if her personality was mean and strict you never present her as that again. throughout your essay she alway nice and understanding. Adding that detail at first made me thought that the essay is more about the teacher than yourself. For final draft a better title is need. “Educational Experience” is a little bland.
Hey Lisette
First of all thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I have enjoyed the fact that you have chosen a moment that is relatable to all of us. Sadly, you had to go through such a bad educational experience at such a young age. It is very disturbing to hear that you were treated so poorly not because of your performance but because of your skin color. After all of the school years of experience, I can feel your pain of being treated so badly by any teacher. We all can agree on that a good teacher-student relationship is vital to create a learning environment and has important, positive and long-lasting implications for both students’ academic and social development specially at younger age. It is obvious that a student with a good relationship with a teacher is likely to trust her teacher more, show more engagement in learning, behave better in class and achieve at higher levels academically. I am super proud of yourself that at that young age you were strong enough to stood up and prove yourself. You spoke up for injustice; the incident taught you to become stronger and a better person.