First Assignment Draft 1
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Hello Sosa
I enjoyed reading your essay Overall I think you did a good job in telling the difference between interpreting means. I think that with the Negative part you should have used the word Neither and Nor more to make the statement more representative of a negative style.
(Feedback) It was interesting to hear this in these two interpretations. I feel like you need to use more commas, though.
Overall you’re essay was amazing and your interpretation on The Republic with both stories played off well. The Metaphor story was perfect, the only thing I would change is not Make as many metaphors and explain the different types of people more in depth. When you also said “Good and bad are like two sides of the same coin; one doesn’t exist without the other but we mustn’t be indulging in the bad when our after life depends on what we do in our lives now and today.” you had the right idea.
Good job!
(Feedback) Kerving, I really liked the ways you re-wrote the story especially the metaphor one, it takes a lot of skill, in my opinion, to come up with such clever metaphors back to back. What I learned from these readings is the metaphors, how to connect them to stories like Plato: The republic and how to use them to make a text more enjoyable from time to time. Your essay is really good but I would suggest you post the sharable link like the professor instructed so we can read it better, all you have to do is go to the docs file you have this essay in, hit ‘share’, change to everyone that has the link can view it, copy the link and paste it here as a post.
I enjoy reading your essay. It is interesting to read your metaphoric style. The metaphors you used are very interesting, my favorite one is “The audience of these poets is the mass of the people who are like the sheep following the shepherd and afraid of shepherd’s dog”. I think I should work on using metopes in my writing to make them more interesting. You could link your essay using google drive.
I also enjoy reading your essay, I believe that It was really interesting to read your story and the way you interpreted it. The only thing that would say is to check if you have grammatical errors.
(Feedback) Hey Kervin, I really enjoyed your essay, it seems you put a lot of thought into it. I love how you used a negative and metaphor style to interpret your story in a different manner. I would maybe add a bit more commas but other than that it is pretty good.
I liked that you chose “The Republic” by Plato to create your stories. I enjoyed reading your stories, especially the metaphoric one because it has deep meanings. I really liked the quote from your essay, “Good and bad are like two sides of the same coin; one doesn’t exist without the other…” I learned that metaphors can make an essay much more interesting. However, I feel like there are a lot of metaphors in your essay.
The first thing I noticed from the first passage named “Negatives” was the grammatical errors. You have a lot of run-on sentences with improper usage of conjunctions. They mostly occur towards the beginning of the passage. Also, fix the spacing between the periods and the next sentence. I wasn’t sure if you were trying to imitate the style of Plato, but just in case you didn’t I decided to point it out. For Example, “it is not providing the knowledge nor the understanding of what the
shoemaker does.This is not wrong so it must be true.It is neither a painter or a musician but apoet. The poet doesn’t speak the truth either much like the painter the poet uses neithernicknames or aliases but names of the unreal and phrases not meant to be spoken clearly but as ifwe were speaking a different language of meter, rhythm, and harmony”.
On the other hand, I did enjoy reading this essay because the difference in the styles you chose to write in. There is a clear language difference between the Negative style and the Metaphor style. I think you should work on the the first passage more because it gets a bit confusing on the message because the barrage of comparisons to different characters for your point to be made.
(feedback)
Hey kerving,
I really enjoyed reading your essay I looks like you really put a lot thought in it which makes it even better on your interpretation, I also liked that you went on and used Plato’s reading as a guide for your interpretation which seems different from what I’ve read so far since mostly everyone and myself have use Junot Diaz story. Overall good job!!
Hi Kerving,
I enjoyed your opening thoughts on interpretation. “We are beings who are defined by our cultural upbringings and collective experiences in life and this all determines our perspective which can have an outcome of different interpretations on different things.” It was a strong opening as it captivated me to want to continue to read more. I also liked how you chose metaphorically and negatives. This is the first time I read a metaphoric Interpretation with an essay feedback. “The audience of these poets are the mass of people who are like sheep following the shepherd and afraid of the shepherd’s dog.” I really enjoyed the metaphor of comparing people to sheep.
This was a really good first draft. My suggestion is to proof read so there is no run on sentences and grammatical errors. I’m looking forward to reading your final draft.
Hi Kerving,
I was really impressed with this first draft. You were extremely creative for choosing Plato and then also changing the styles, Negative and Metaphor. As others stated just change grammatical errors. I learned to I can enjoy Plato and really enjoyed your word choices. .” Our desires of sex and spirtedness must be left in the darkness these are plants we must not let grow but instead many water and nurture these plants.” I loved this line, I could definitely hear Plato saying that verbatim.