10 thoughts on “Indeevari Kumarasing. — Essay Draft 1”

  1. I think that Indeevari did a really good job writing her essay. Something that I learned from Indeevari is how much our cultures shape our perspectives. Indeevari did a great job referencing this in her interpretations through the eyes of each of the siblings. Specifically, she writes, “To my surprise our standard of living has declined. Yes, we now have more food in the fridge, and chocolate candies, and Coca-Cola, but the food itself is much worse than back home.” Something that I think that could be improved is a longer conclusion. Perhaps Indeevari could consider briefly summarizing the viewpoints of the siblings in the conclusion to round things out.

  2. Indeevari, I think you did a great job with this essay. My only feedback would be to add more to your conclusion and speak more about the differences in interpretation. Overall I thought it was a great essay!

  3. I think that Indeevari did a fantastic job with her essay. I specifically like how instead of using the mothers perspective you used both brothers, the oldest and the youngest. I thought that was pretty unique and I can see how both stories can tie together. Other than that I think you can add more to the conclusion, specifically add more to the meaning of interpretation and connect it with the stories you wrote. Other than that It was a well done essay.

  4. Nice essay, Indeevari. After reading your essay, I learned that as you are getting older, you start to appreciate your parents and what they are doing for you, “My father is a very hardworking man; he is a forklift driver. I appreciate his hard work and effort to put food on our table…Yes, that is my father; my hero who always tries hard to make our life better.” Parents sacrifice everything to make their children’s life a lot better. The only feedback I have for you is to make sure that you don’t have double space before sentences. Additionally, I agree with previous comments that you can add more to your conclusion.

  5. I enjoyed reading your draft. I liked how you wrote about the perspective from the older brother and the younger brother and kept it authentic. The interpretation from the older brother how he is nervous and understands their struggle financially. “Sometimes I feel sorry for him when mom yells at him for not bringing enough money home.” I enjoy sentences like these because it shows you really developed a character. I also liked how their perspectives on their parents are completely different. The older brother is practical and realistic so he knows what is really going on. However, the younger brother is naïve and innocence and doesn’t necessarily know what is going on. I also like how in the perspective for the little brother he says “Today, I secretly spied on him, and I saw him put lots of money into my mom’s hidden safe, where she keeps stashing away her change.” I liked this sentence because it is the answer to missing money from the older brother’s question. “They yell and accuse us of telling somebody at school about my mom’s hidden safe.” I like how you gave us readers the answer from the younger brother’s perspective. Overall I’m looking forward to reading your final draft.

  6. Indeevari, I enjoyed reading your short stories. They felt very real. However, when you said “Yes, we now have more food in the fridge, and chocolate candies, and Coca-Cola, but the food itself is much worse than back home” I didn’t really understand it and I had to re-read it a few times. If you could just rewrite that it would fit better. In your conclusion, I understood exactly what you meant when you said you had difficulty putting yourself in different shoes and retelling it. Your perspectives were very realistic overall.

  7. (Feedback) Hello Indeevari, I liked your essay it was deep and meaningful. I suggest adding more details on both perspectives of the brothers where the money is stolen and how it is taken back to keep the main plot of that story. Your conclusion is relatable as I myself struggled with the perspectives of the characters but overall it is good.

  8. Overall you did good in writing. Trying is better than nothing but please don’t take this personally. I feel that you used majority of the excerpt to write your essay. Although you have the leverage to use the text from the excerpt, You have to be able to explain the text you used. I think you quoted too much and there was little explanation of the quotes. Again please don’t take this personal.

  9. Great Essay overall. Check some grammatical errors and word choices. Although I know what you were trying to accomplish with both perspectives, you need to provide a clear difference in perspectives. Develop a contrast between them. Its a little unclear on what stances are being taking.

  10. Hi Indeevari,

    This essay was super interesting and touching to read. It was also humorous, ” Our class is divided into two groups now; the cool kids, and the kids who haven’t seen The Lion King yet.” That was so funny and set the tone really nicely. I think checking for small grammatical errors and rereading out loud would help. Also structurally when starting a new paragraph one must indent. “In conclusion” since it is at the beginning must be indented. I learned about having a new perspective, myself as parent in how I engage with my child more so with pride and honor.

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