Based on the feedback received, there’s a few things that I’ll keep my focus on. First I need to be specific on the word choice I’ve used. Following a personal story can be difficult especially with confused writing. To make my audience understand better I’ll need to clear up any room for misinterpretations. Like in paragraph 2. 

Professor Blain’s feedback on paragraph 1 to look at my breaking choice between paragraphs, I’ll also need to work on. Originally I chose to separate my paragraphs when the topics changed, but the problem with this is a topic change doesn’t tie everything together, sometimes it ends the paragraph abruptly.