Both my classmate Jonathan and professor Blain mentioned how I could be more specific and explicitly narrate the scene where I wanted to go to a bakery but got disappointed when I saw it was closed. I think this is definitely an area that I need to revise, and as Jonathan mentioned, I should revise to show the emotion rather than just state how I felt.

Another part of my essay I plan to revise is when I mention seeing my families reaction to the food I baked. This part of my essay was supposed to reveal a goal shared by the baking community, so I have really put emphasis on this part and keep the readers interested. In order to achieve that, I should again show, not tell. In my revision, I plan to go in more detail and describe my thoughts, their reactions and overall make it more story-like.

Another part of my essay I plan to revise, is my conclusion. I ended on a paragraph comparing baking to a science. If this content become overwhelming after my edits, I plan to remove this portion of my essay. Additionally my conclusion would be a wrap up to my introduction.

Some parts I plan to add include my interactions with other bakers, how baking allows people to explore and learn about other peoples cultures, and use some more jargons shared in the baking community. I think adding these will add more depth and show what makes the baking discord community unique as well as reveal in its own way what makes someone a part of or excluded from this community.