I’m putting this up on our website as well. But here are my comments on the final version that you turned in Friday night. I also sent an email concerning my comments.
Hi Folks,
My comments are attached to the file. I would like revisions. You have done good work but you have not presented it in a way that reflects the good work you have done.
The changes are not huge. It’s largely about presentation, not quality. The first section needs the most work.
Please pay particular attention to my comments. I have made a lot of them. I expect that you address every comment.
I will need a revision complete by midnight Wednesday, the 23rd, which is the last day of uniform finals. Earlier would be fine, but most important is the work be complete.
Two major concerns.
1. You do not have in text citations or a bibliography that corresponds with your citations. This is a huge problem. Please get together and fix all of that. The info you provide on GMO’s needs to be verified. These claims about what employees are told are particularly disturbing without having evidence. In addition, all the “facts” about GMO’s need documentation, the attitudes of Americans, and other sourced information need documentation that comes from high quality sources. You must have in-text citations in the body and a corresponding bibliography with those citations.
2. Proofreading. The language at times does not use complete sentences or uses sentences that are not clear or correct. Particularly disturbing is the Vision Statement. When you have something that is the first thing that an audience will read, the language needs to be completely solid, if not inspirational. The last line in the Vision Statement is clumsy. But there are problems throughout the whole document. You all need to go over with a fine tooth comb and make sure that every single sentence is constructed carefully.
Robert
