Believe it or not, in a way, I feel anonymous all the time. In a metaphorical way, but nonetheless. From my perspective (as surely I’m not the only one who feels the things I feel that make me have this sentiment), everyone else has something going for them, a way they stand out in a way that makes unique impressions on people, a presence that is missed by others when they’re not around, something that they’re specialize in, something they’re adept at, etc. I feel that I lack all those things. I don’t have any gravitas.

I don’t have anything going on for me outside of school, and even in that, I’m behind in ways (most of that due to the pandemic) and not as capable concerning things taught in my major. I don’t stand out in any way. Not that I have an inherent issue with that, as everyone has a role to play and I’d much rather be a background force. However, as a result of not standing out, I don’t think I leave any impressions on people, but this very much is also be a result of my largely reserved nature. I lack a presence that people actually miss. Whenever I’m gone from my “home environment” (places, people,etc. I usually tend to be around) or away from those I’m close with, no one checks in on me the way one would with someone who they haven’t seen in a long while in a way to maintain the connection even over long distances. When I return, the fanfare is minimal. Not that I’m purposefully seeking attention, but when friends who go to school far away return, the fanfare is always drastically different. You can tell that they were missed. I have no skills or anything tangible that I’m good at. There’s so much things I’d like to learn that don’t involve anything more than one’s own naturally ability to express themselves or naturally pick up over time, and everyone else I see doing those things seem to pick it up quickly, get better over time or find a way to do things their way. I fear I’ll never get better over time, or adapt at any sort of pace at all. From how I see things, I live in a world where everybody is “making it look easy”.

Compared to even others at my age, there’s so much of life that I haven’t experienced, and while I know that I’m not some anomaly for living life at my own pace, purposefully not seeking to be placed in certain situations at the point I’m at in my life, or behind some established “curve”, at times I can’t help but think that subtracts from me as a person and it only causes me a greater amount of anxiety over what will happen when I am in those situations. It doesn’t help that these days, people know you have to start somewhere, but also want nothing to do with you if you can’t hit the mark from the jump, or every time.

Lastly, I feel as if I have no sense of direction, whether it be finding my niche as a person, or finding direction in my life. I not sure where I’m going, not fully sure if I’ll be able to do what I want to do, and no idea where that combination of things is going to take me. Close friends describe me as mysterious, someone who you can’t get a read on, and a high school teacher I had once told me directly that she could never figure me out. It’s only until much later that I realize that she couldn’t figure me out because I myself can’t figure me out, and most people from the outside looking in don’t know that or understand what be an enigma of sorts is like. I try my best to be more self-aware than I was the day before, and in spite of all my personal “unsureness”, while not utterly complete and also prone to first-person bias, I very much have a grasp of myself as a person, what I believe, how I think, what motivates me and why I am the way I am. So I guess being this middle of the road figure is my niche as a person, but I can’t help feeling like a “Lurker at the Threshold” of sorts, and the Lovecraft reference is fitting, because people find me alien in a way, and I too tend to feel the same towards people at times.

All this to say, that in the midst of a world of people who know who they are, have an established grasp on life in terms of an identity, have a well-enough defined road ahead of them, etc., in comparison, as someone who lacks those things (or feels that way), I feel anonymous.