15 thoughts on “Feedback for Chris”

  1. I liked the way you began your essay, the fact that you explained/mentioned some of the things you can do in GTA. Although I’ve played the game myself it’s good that you explained it to others in case they didn’t. The only suggestion I have is indenting your paragraphs so it’s easier to differentiate and to add more of a counterclaim, explain the difference between, violence and aggression. 
     

  2. your essay has a good structure. one thing you can add is personal experience and talk about how video games make you feel. also add more in the conclusion. In the part where it says ” people should know what’s right from wrong and what’s in a game and what’s reality” I really liked that part but you could also explain how parents also should explain their kids that or what they can do to explain them what’s right and what’s wrong.

  3. your essay has a good structure. one thing you can add is personal experience and talk about how video games make you feel. also add more in the conclusion. In the part where it says ” people should know what’s right from wrong and what’s in a game and what’s reality” I really liked that part but you could also explain how parents also should explain their kids that or what they can do to explain them what’s right and what’s wrong.

  4. I liked your essay I like the evidence you used to support your thesis and is something that would really convince readers to agree with you.  One suggestion I do have is to define violence and aggression or what you consider violence and aggression to be somewhere in your essay and the difference between them.

  5. Your thesis was very clear I understood everything you stated , I like how you included the part about Chicago being very violent and comparing it to video games, it make readers think about the world around them and could help them realize why your statement is true. Maybe you can include your experience with video games. But I think you can develop more of a counterclaim .

  6. I think your essay has good structures, I liked that you had an introduction; Very short but clear. According to your arguments it is not specifically clear that video games are the cause of violence but perhaps you could have drawn a conclusion from your experience lived when playing video games and how you feel or think it may or may not have an effect.

  7. At the beginning of your essay, I enjoyed how you discussed video games that people are familiar with, it made your essay much more relatable and interesting.  Your introduction over all grabbed the readers attention. I just felt some points you made were very vague and you could have elaborated on it. For example, in your first body paragraph you said “Violent video games are just simply fun to play….I personally don’t think violent video games make people more violent”. Why do you think that? Also, you didn’t indent any of your paragraphs. But other than that, you used solid evidence and your essay was interesting.

  8. The argument of the essay was clear and I could see which side you were arguing for but the essay structure can be improved by indenting new paragraphs and adding commas. You mentioned a correlation between Call of Duty and the school shooting and this kind of went against your argument but your claim could’ve been strengthened by talking about other reasons besides the game for why the shooter did what he did. Overall, it was an interesting essay!

  9. I like your description of GTA it allows your essay to have a more personal view. Your essay was also very clear and the reader knows your view. Something you can work on is the structure of your essay.

  10. I like your description of GTA it allows your essay to have a more personal view. Your essay was also very clear and the reader knows your view. Something you can work on is the structure of your essay. You also used good evidence to support your claim.

  11. I like how in the beginning of your essay you started off by telling us about gta and told us what the purpose of the game is, which is to be the last one standing . I like how you told us what other people may believe before you stated what was your claim. I like how for each details that you used , you discussed what the quote meant. Good essay

  12. I really liked your introduction where you example what is video game and  what all video game has in common that is killing. Also you thesis was clear to understand, I think you should put one reason that connect to your thesis. Your evidence were pretty long you could have summarize the quote. overall you need really good jobs finding evidence and you had a lot of evidence to support your claim. I really enjoyed reading your essay.

  13. I liked how you started your essay, your thesis was clear, and you had good textual evidence. However, I suggest you select the most important parts of your quotes to minimize the length of them. I also suggest that instead of using, “In the article” you can use, “As an illustration” or “For instance.” Overall, your essay brought up a lot of good points.”

  14. I really enjoyed this essay and especially the introduction of the writing. You introduce strong evidence to help strengthen the argument in which you stand. You always brought up a lot of interesting points into the essay that further gives the writing structure. Your thesis is clear and although there are a few flaws to be made, it is overall a good essay.

  15. Your essay was clear and easy to understand, also you had a good introduction. You gave a lot of interesting points and I agreed with your claim. Something you can change is the evidence you gave which was really long which could be minamized.

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