https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O30NmPGR5PrX3BOKojiHbFE-QyuBbL8hXK1yCg07NI4/edit?usp=sharing
Essay Draft #1Composition 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O30NmPGR5PrX3BOKojiHbFE-QyuBbL8hXK1yCg07NI4/edit?usp=sharing
Essay Draft #1The OpenLab is an open-source, digital platform designed to support teaching and learning at City Tech (New York City College of Technology), and to promote student and faculty engagement in the intellectual and social life of the college community.
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Starlyn,
This is an amazing–and amazingly funny–re-write of Diaz’ “The Money” from two very different perspectives and styles (that of the thief and that of “reported speech); I’m glad to see you’ve borrowed a lot of style from both Diaz and Queneau in this work of yours. A couple thoughts for revision:
–The ending of the “thief’s version” seems incomplete. Can you find a way of extending it to either bring in more of the original story or to elaborate on how this story may have ended for the thief (or not ended…perhaps the story can end with his plans to re-steal the money… does he suspect Junot? perhaps… but show this…and show how he plans to respond to Junot…)
–Watch out for run-on sentences (comma splices in particular) and verb tense changes. I suggest Googling for info on the first and for the latter… Just watch out for moving between past and present tense when you don’t mean to… For instance, in “Reported Speech,” you have a couple paragraphs beginning with “He said” and then another that begins “He says/states” where you move to present tense. See if you can decide on past or present tense and tell the whole story in that tense–only change the tense if you absolutely need to and are intentional about it. Present tense can be very fun. 🙂
Let me know after you’ve googled “comma splices” and if you still have questions about that we can discuss further.
Best,
M
(feedback) What I learned from your essay how much hate could bring into a person to end up doing this to kid who’s family didn’t deserve but I liked that you gave a good throughly perspective about the thief because while reading the original story I was wondering why it led him seal the money from his friend and hardcovers to me it seem that jealousy.
(feedback) I liked the way you gave the perspective of the thief. one thing that I would suggest is to re-read for any grammar that you might have. overall ,I really do like your comment
(Feedback) Hi Starlyn, I really enjoyed reading. your re-writes. Especially the one about the thief. While reading it I felt like it was a true story that you’re actually telling. The only thing I would suggest is transitioning better. Sometimes while reading it felt like too quick of a jump to the next line or topic. If that makes sense. Overall, I really loved your thief perspective.
(feedback) The way you wrote the thief’s perspective syncs pretty well with the original events of the story, but why does every sentence begin with he says in the reported speech. Wouldn’t it sound more professional if you used the character’s name a little more often?
(feedback) I really enjoyed how you chose to use the perspective of the thief, I think that was pretty clever and unique. when you said “The day finally comes and we break into the house in the middle of the night, once we were in it was easy since we knew what we were looking for.”, It really set the tone of something bad was going to happen. other than that I thought your essay was great and can’t wait to see the final.
Great job! In using the details accordingly following the storyline, seeing it in the theifs POV is really good. Re-read for some grammatical errors, use the name of the people so we have my context. I felt as if the sentences jumped into something totally new but I understood clearly.
(feedback) What you did with the chiefs view in your essay was an amazing way to rewrite the story, it gives me a lot of help with my own essay revisions. Paragraph after Paragraph your essays story flowed through and made sense
(Feedback) Hello Starlyn, your essay was good, I liked how you used Queneau’s style of reported speech and even including a perspective from he thief on how he stole from Junot. I would suggest maybe adding more on the thief’s perspective to see what happened after if he received a punishment or not, including maybe rewrite the reported speech a bit more formal to sound like you are reporting something on the news. Good work!
(Feedback) Hi Starlyn, you did a good job on your essay. I really like your essay. Everything was in the correct order. I liked the way you described the thief’s perspective. I enjoyed reading your essay. Good essay overall. 🙂
Starlyn,
This is a phenomenal essay. Great job. I really like how in your intro you talked about the modernized world where it is easier for people to communicate their different perspectives. I definitely agree with that. I thought that the two perspectives that you utilized were great. The reported speech style in particular was clever, and written really well. I like how you utilized reported speech to tell the story in a unique way. I agree with you that it is difficult to see things from a different perspective. One piece of advice that I have for you is to include a separate header dividing the conclusion from the reported speech paragraph.
Hello Starlyn,
Great work. I really enjoyed your essay. In your essay conclusion, you wrote that rewriting the story was kind of tough because “I have to word things differently but also see it differently”. Since this is the first time, I worked on an assignment of this sort, I had the same struggle as you. In your essay, I found a few typos-For an example in your conclusion you wrote “tory” instead of “story”.Overall good essay. Keep it up.
hi Starlyn,
You are a very creative writer. I am impressed by your style of writing especially the point of view of the thief. To be able to create a point of view that wasn’t originally given in the excerpt shows your broad mind. Also the point of view from the older siblings perspective is spot on you had the creativity and thoughts in writing that essay keep it up.
I learned how people you think are friends aren’t always in your best interest. It was interesting to see the perspective of the thief because it gives a clear look on another point of view. Although the interpretation of the thief’s point of view provides a clear look into the situation, it would be more effective to provide a different style for the second passage. Since the reported style only shows what already happened, it would be better for your conclusion to provide a different style and a new perspective from another character.
Hi Starlyn,
You have a strong introduction as you define interpretation with your perspective. The perspective from the thief was great creative writing. Your style of writing is very easy to follow along and read. I also enjoyed how you told the story twice from the perspective of the thief and the reported speech interpretation. “We got to my house and hid the money while I enjoyed looking at my dungeons and dragons hardcover.” In the reported speech I like how everything is reflected back. “He said that they took a portable radio, some of his Dungeons and Dragons hardcovers and of course his mom secret stash of the money.” By you doing this the plot and story was very simple to follow. I’m looking forward to reading your final draft.
Hi Starlyn,
This is really captivating first draft. I really enjoyed the perspectives you have used. As the story unfolded it felt like an easy read. What you can work on is transitions. Sometimes I had the reread and felt like I was assuming things versus it being written. Also you can benefit more on the thief’s perspective and punishment if any. I learned what “Reported Speech” is and how to use it.