Essay 1 Final Draft

7 thoughts on “Essay 1 Final Draft”

1. Hey Jesse! First, I apologize for the super long comment but I believe it will be helpful to you! I think this was a good first draft, it just needs to be a little bit more organized. One thing that was really powerful was when you said, “Immigrants are always looked down because of their poor comprehension in English. But language is not a hindrance in excelling in life.” I loved this and I think this would be great to have in the beginning of your story instead of the end! I understand from your Essay that English isn’t your first language and that you’re from the Philippines, I’ve heard it’s beautiful there! Don’t worry about your English, it’s a second language for me too and we’re all here to help you! Speaking of helping you, I do have a couple of pieces of constructive criticism. And if you’re not sure what I mean about something or want me to explain a little more please feel free to send me a message on google hangouts or email me!
   It was a little tough at first to follow along with what you were trying to say and I found that your essay was kind of all over the place at first, but no worries! Hopefully, you find that my feedback will help. At first, it sounded like you were writing a book report, like a report about the story “The Money”, then at some point it turned into a story similar to Junot’s (when you were talking about the aunt and grandma) but then it sounded like it was actually something that happened to you and it turned into an autobiography where you’re telling us your life story in the US. (Which is totally fine to tell! Just needs to be organized better.)
   Part of it was the grammar, but before you go over your essay to correct the grammar, I think it’ll be helpful to create an outline for yourself. I’ve been using all the tricks that I’ve gathered from my writing classes over the years and I’m happy to share them with you! It’s always helpful to do drafts to see how a story flows and adjust it from there, but I find it best to always start with an outline to organize your thoughts.
   When you write an outline you want to have clear parts labeled, you’re not writing a draft; instead, you’re writing key points, like this:
   Introduction: ….
   Body: (Story1/Story2)
   Conclusion:…
   Of course, with a little more detail than “…” or “Story1/Story2” And I’ll talk a little more about that.
   Let’s focus on the intro first: The professor wants us to answer the following questions:
   -Explain your 2 interpretations
   -What Style you used and why?
   When you explain your 2 interpretations, talk about what you did differently. For example, my first story focused on the opposite of Junot’s story. It was a rich family instead of poor, instead of money it was valuable blueprints that would save the father’s life that were stolen, instead of it being a son, it was a daughter, etc. And do the same for your second story.
   When you explain your style, talk about if you used a similar example as Queneau’s work, or if you used a style of your own. Talk about the point of view of the main character and why you’re using that point of view. What kind of questions will this writing style answer? What I mean by this is (I’ll use my essay as an example) Do the rich go through the same thing as the poor? The style I used and the plot that I used shows that even though the family had a lot of money, something priceless was stolen, something that money can’t buy, and it was just as devastating as when Junot’s mother’s money (also very valuable to them) was stolen.
   This may sound like a lot but a paragraph should be enough to answer the 2 questions above.
   For the Body of the essay, you will actually tell your two stories in a way similar to how Junot told his story. One thing you need to do when writing the story is to make sure that it all flows together unless you meant for it to be in the style of “notation” like in Queneau’s work. If yes, then make sure you mention this in your introduction. One thing that will make sure you accomplish either style is proper grammar and punctuation. (using commas, periods, exclamation points,etc.) It adds the emphasis you want and allows the reader to read the story correctly and therefore understand what you really mean.
   For the conclusion, the professor wants us to answer the following questions:
   -Reflect about your process and talk about any struggles you have. (This is a great place to talk about any struggles you had with the English language and how you overcame them if you did.)
   -What did you learn from the story? (Talk about any answers you got about how the differences between your story and Junot’s story can affect the circumstances)
   -What did you learn about the effects of different styles? (How does it affect the way you view the story and the characters?)
   -What did you learn about what an interpretation is?

   Now that you have the above guidelines to follow let’s talk about exactly how to create an outline:
   First, start with the characters. We know that Junot’s characters were :
   -Junot
   -Mother
   -Father & Siblings
   -2 Thieves
   Now, figure out the characters you want, (based on your Draft)
   -You
   -Mother
   -Grandma & Aunt (Thieves)
   (You can add or remove however you feel necessary as long as it will make sense to your story!

   Now that we have the characters, let’s breakdown the main events.
   Junot’s main events:
   -Mom saved money to send home
   -Dad always loses jobs
   -They’re Poor
   -They go on vacation
   -Found door unlocked/They were robbed
   -Mom freaks out
   -Live in a shitty neighborhood
   -Told friends what happened
   -Realized friends did it
   -Plotted & Stole back items
   -Gave money back to mom/Got no reward
   -Robbers told everyone they also got robbed.
   These are the main events that we must have in our stories where you change the details and circumstances around it. Use your characters to fit into these main events and make it your own! You have most of your story done with the grandma and aunt, but it was a little confusing to read. Try rewording parts of it and follow the main events I listed above as a reference.

   Use everything above to create your outline and then use the outline to actually write your story! And last but not least, I’ve been telling everyone I give feedback to about something called Grammarly. It’s super helpful and it’s free. Basically it gives you suggestions to correct spelling and grammar, and even I use it to make sure I didn’t miss anything. And finally, a cool little thing I learned once, copy and paste your essay to Google translate and click the little speaker button. Google will read the essay back to you and allows you to hear it so you can see if it sounds good and makes sense to read!
   Take the time to read my comment and digest all the information in it. It’s a lot! But I hope you find it helpful! I struggled with Essays when I first started writing them in school but over the years and many writing classes later, I was able to do really well with it. Just remember to take a breath, and take it one step at a time! You’ve got this!

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2. Nice essay, Jesse. I liked that you wrote your own story based on your life experience. I learned that people go through many struggles as immigrants. I liked the quote, “I came to realize, even the people that did something wrong to me, I have to forgive them because of the fact that I am the one who is hurting myself.” That quote has a deep meaning. My suggestion to you is to write more about how the money got stolen and how you managed to get your money back. Additionally, try to avoid extra space between words.

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3. Hello Jesse,
   I really enjoyed reading your essay. I like the fact that you had included some of your life experiences in this story. As an immigrant myself I can relate to your story as I know how hard it is to adjust and assimilate in the beginnings. “But that did not stop me from learning” your perseverance is very motivational. Good job keeps it up and keeps moving forward. I think if you add more to your introduction and conclusion it would be great.

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4. First of all, excellent essay! Wow! Its so refreshing to hear someone’s back story. This essay was raw and engaging and very captivating. Somethings to improve on overall is your grammar. Small mistakes such as separating two ideas with a period and using conjunctions to combine two sentences instead of just using a comma because then it will turn into a run-on. But I do have to congratulate you on this piece. For someone who struggled with the English, you’ve really shown your progression.

   This essay is well worded and flows really well from beginning to end. Your ideas are clear and concise. You also gave a lot of context in the beginning of your essay, successfully connected your story with Junot Diaz’s. For example, “In Junot Diaz’s article “​The Money​”, the poor immigrant family that works in the United States. The family is also helping extended relatives in Dominican Republic who are less fortunate. The money sent to the families in a third world country is a great help because a dollar means already a lot of money to them”. In addition, “As children of a Filipino Immigrants, it is instilled in us that we shall not fear whatever situation may happen. My father and stepmother still send money to their extended relatives in the Philippines. They both send money to the Philippines because not only to help the extended family members, but to acquire land properties as well”. Your theme was well executed and stayed focus on the theme maintaining “dignity” through the harshest struggles.

   For more improvement, I would suggest that you create a more specific story that strictly focuses on one situation that involves multiple interpretations. This first draft is good, but I think you dived too deep. I think you should leave the aftermath of your perseverance for the conclusion, and make sure to be more specific on one event to properly analyze multiple peoples perspectives.

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5. I like how unlike most essays, this was based on what you’ve been through. My favorite quote has to be”As time is passing, I lost friends along the way because I chose to do what is right, and benefit the fruits of your labor”, mainly because it’s very relatable, no matter where you’re from. The only thing that confuses me is the blurred line between the intro and body, because you started the body really quick

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6. This essay is great, I can relate to your personal story. Coming from an immigrant family, I respect your courage and your family’s strength. Not much constructive criticism other than grammar stuff which I myself need to work on also

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7. Jesse,

   Nice draft—although it seems far from “final”!

   When writing, be as fine as a jeweler with what you mean. For instance, let’s look at this sentence in paragraph 1:

   “It bolsters a person’s ability to articulate and judgements in times of critical decisions.”

   There are many questions about the meaning of this sentence that remain to be answered. What is “it”? “It” typically refers to a preceding singular noun, but here the main noun in the preceding sentence is “interpretations,” which is plural. Thus it’s not clear what “it” refers to. Instead you could say “they” (a pronoun referring to a preceding plural noun) or you could say “an interpretation…”.

   Then, in the latter half of the sentence, the meaning is not clear (to me): what does “to articulate and judgements in times of critical decisions” mean? Do you mean “to articulate and to judge” (parallel verbs)? To articulate and judge WHAT exactly? What exactly are the “critical decisions” you have in mind? Are they what’s being “articulated and judged”? Or are they part of a separate verb form: “to make decisions”?

   But more importantly, if we are going to make a claim that interpretation “bolsters a person’s ability to…” do the things you mention in this sentence, we will want to explain how you see this as working a bit more: how does interpretation help a person do these things? Why do you think this?

   I suggest going over each sentence in this essay with this sort of questioning and then writing additional sentences that help explain and clarify the meaning of sentences like this one where there is some confusion.

   OK—as for the rest of the essay, it includes very interesting material about your own life and family history; however, it doesn’t yet include a re-write of “The Money” (or multiple re-writes). Take another look at that story (and the feedback below; Stephanie’s is very thorough and helpful—perhaps too helpful! She’s almost doing the assignment for you!). Then decide on a perspective of one of the characters in it (or some other character who you invent) and also a style through which you’d like to tell the story.

   You might also take another look at the Essay 1 assignment sheet for notes on what to include in your conclusion paragraph.

   Best wishes for this!
   M

   Reply

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