13 thoughts on “Feedback for Jerry”

  1. Jerry your essay was eye opening. Your use of statistics alone was an alarming notice of how prominent the issue of police brutality and racism are in the U.S. I also like the fact that you included quotes from the packet we went through during class it’s familiar and relatable. In addition the last three stanzas of your essay you in a sense gave the immigrants a voice and put the reader in their shoes. You let us know what it is like in their country and why they leave to come to the U.S. All in all a great essay.

  2. your essay taught me how unfair the jail system is. Latino and African American are  mostly  targeted by officer. I like how you mention immigrants living situation in their country and why they left  to come to the U.S maybe mention poverty and gang involvement.you do not  have many grammar mistakes.

  3. Your essay was very informative and a good read so I only have one critique, but it’s very crucial. The main point of an argumentative essay is to make an argument and to defend that argument. So when we use a counterclaim it isn’t just to give the other side of the argument, it is to disprove that argument. So in your fourth body paragraph where you mention that African-Americans commit more shootings on average it is very important that you rebut this point. Otherwise you’re just contradicting your argument! Also a very minor thing that I noticed is that there are two different colors that you’ve typed your essay in. One appears to be darker than the other so just make sure that you fix it. And finally your Sources page. Use the website that was posted earlier to sort out your sources and make it look more professional.

  4. Jerry, just by the title of your essay I got heated up because, this is not only a touchy topic to talk about but, in it’s essence alone it is so unfair. You got straight to the point though by, asking the readers a questions. I thought that was a very good way to start your essay. Anyways, throughout your essay you presented solid evidence to back up your thesis argument towards racial discrimination and it was nice to read your sources. Speaking about your sources though, you need much more than the URL to cite it properly. you have cite it correctly and make sure you avoid any plagiarism accusations. Besides this, check for grammatical errors  and you’ll have an even better paper when you go through it again. Great job on speaking about a lot things people wouldn’t and your essay of course!

  5. You’re essay was overall very thoughtout and informational.The comparisons that you made between the hispanic and african american community was well done and very well explained.There are a few grammatical errors here and there but nothing too major.I think you should include a personal experience as to where you felt you were being oppressed

  6. Liked how you mentioned 2 different cultures being negatively affected by discrimination and also the examples and research to show the different treatment from police on colored people. Good work by addressing the similarities between your essay and the hot summer afternoon in Texas.

  7. I like how you included two events that happened at two very different time periods, you should add where exactly you got the piece of evidence you did, if the evidence is listed put the source in quotations. Your counterclaim should include a way as to why your point is better than the counterclaim you have given. You should add your own opinion as to what you think about the whole situation. Overall I liked the topic you chose and the way you chose to explain the issue. Very good work

  8. I liked the way you narrated the actions of the officers and the way you stated your position when narrating them, I think that this is a great essay that is complex in its own way to create a consistent piece of witting. If there was anything to improve I would suggest to use more evidence to support what your claims but other than that I really liked it.

  9. I liked your essay and how well structured it was.  You added connections to the articles that we read in class and that helped me have a better understanding.  Your essay is very eye opening and it shows how bad discrimination and police brutality is.  Your essay really grabbed my attention and was a great topic.

  10. Jerry, I really enjoyed your essay and I’m really interested in the topic itself. I agree with you, I do believe that African Americans and hispanics don’t get the same treatment as whites. It is sad that police brutality is STILL happening, we are in the 21 century they should really get their act together. I also like how you mention Pablo Escobar and el chap as a point of reference.

  11. Jerry, first of all, I loved your essay. The way you emphasized your points were amazing. You caught my attention with how corrupt our so called “justice system” is, and how there are innocent people being locked up for crimes they did not commit. Innocent lives are being taken by people who are supposed to protect and serve us and barely anything is being done to eliminate that. Your essay was well-structured. Overall, great job!

  12. Jerry, you talk about how Hispanic and African Americans don’t get treated as white. I agree with that, but to be fare you also can include how Muslims don’t get treated like white as well. 

    Your thesis was clear and well supported by the evidence. Overall I will say, good job. 

  13. Great Essay Jerry. You had a very clear thesis statement. You incorporated a lot of details into it making it an amazing mg as really informative essay. It would be great if you elaborated more on the counter claim.

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