17 thoughts on “Feedback for Daniel (Essay 2)”

  1. I think you should include in word from the article you received you information from and explain what it mean or how you feel about it. I think you can use more personal information to back up your claim. I think you can make your argument stronger, maybe include how your friends react when y’all play games together . You thesis was clear and you included a lot of information in your introduction. Is there a counterclaim ?

  2. I think you should include in word from the article you received you information from and explain what it mean or how you feel about it. I think you can use more personal information to back up your claim. I think you can make your argument stronger, maybe include how your friends react when y’all play games together . You thesis was clear and you included a lot of information in your introduction. Is there a counterclaim ?

  3. The topic of your essay is very interesting, I like the fact you added your personal opinions too it makes your side of the argument much more persuasive. Your thesis was very clear too. However I think you should add more evidence too your essay especially your side of the argument.

  4. i like that you clearly showed us what side you were on, you established a clear claim in the beginning of your essay, I do think that some of your Paragraphs are too long and it was a Bit repetitive, instead of saying the same thing, you can folding other ways of getting your point across. It also would be nice if you cited your evidence. You used examples but I couldn’t tell if it was your words or a quote from an article, quotation marks would be nice. I also think a good description of these video games would be nice,so that readers are allowed to properly assess video games 

  5. Your essay was straight to the point and it was clear for the readers to know what side you were on. I think you need a counter claim In your essay there was nothing to contradict what you were supporting. Another thing you should do is put quotations when you are stating something from a site or person. Something else is to also state which article you got your information from.

  6. Your essay was really interesting to read one thing you should mention is what you consider violence to be. Throughout your essay you didn’t really use quotations or where you got your evidence from so that’s something you should fix for next time. But other than that your thesis was clear and I knew right away the side you were supporting

  7. Your essay is really clear and i like who you use interpreted Your thesis was very clear too. However I think you should add more evidence too your essay especially your side of the argument.

  8. I really liked the topic of your essay and the way you added personal experience with games as a way to emphasize your claim. I think your thesis was clear; You should add quotation marks when you’re taking direct lines of evidence from an article. I also think you should go in depth with your description of the games that can be seem as violent so the reader can get an idea what these games are like if they don’t already play them. But, overall it’s a good essay.

  9. Your thesis was clear and I like how you were in depth about your opinion. Something that could have been made clear was your sources. However, your counterclaim was not very clear. It is important we hear both sides.

  10. I liked your essay and the evidence you used to push your argument and state your side. Good thesis made. The only thing i would really say add a little more evidence for opposing side.

  11. I really liked your last paragraph where you connected back with your thesis. You also did good on stick to your claim and using evidence. when you use evidence you should quotation marks so everyone that know that it came from somewhere else.

  12. I think that you did a good job, somethings you could improve is to put quotations marks on your evidence. I liked how on your last paragraph you connected to your thesis. I think that giving your opinion was good but back up a little bit.

  13. I liked how you added you view on the topic you were writing about. But you did’t mark your evidence correctly.

  14. I really liked how detailed your essay was. Your thesis was clear and I really liked your personal experience with this topic. It had a lot of examples but maybe you should expand on how it effects the user. Something I would suggest is adding quotation marks.

  15. Your topic was really interesting and I feel like you made some really strong points about how video games don’t make people violent. I think your essay can be improved by introducing some counterclaims and proving them wrong because it would make your point a lot stronger.

  16. I liked your essay and you made some violent points regarding how video games don’t make people violent. Being someone who plays games themselves I agreed with your claim. I also liked how you described your own experience playing video games.

  17. First of all I like how you added so many details about how video games are violent. But I especially loved how you add your personal experiences about playing video games. I think you can improve by adding a counterclaim, about the other perspective of how video games are not violent.

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