My feedback:
Nice draft, Clemson. Some of your language is movingly poetic. As far as your narrative goes, this seems to be an essay about a couple differentâalthough relatedâissues right now. There is your own experience of depression, which you introduce in the beginning. Then there is your experience of loss which takes place when two celebrities (or well-known people) who you care for take their own lives. I wonder if itâs possible to go back over the essay and do some re-writing so that itâs intentionally focused on one of these issues. If you choose to focus on your own experience of depression, you might want to include more details about how you found yourself feeling so down. I get that the losses of Chester and Etika have something to do with this, but you might want to consider other experiences you had that are relevant as well.
Thanks for this brave work about a very important topic.
–Monroe
Your essay was very interesting it had me from the first sentence. I felt like your essay was inspiring because you mentioned all these things that just Made me think about certain things. I really liked the part when you said âIâve come to understand that you must cherish the people you love and help the people who need the emotional supportâ I feel like that is very inspirational.
I loved the way you started your essay it made me want to continue reading it was very interesting and very detailed I loved the sentence “life took its time into teaching one of the most valuable lessons about humanity, and I was too paranoid about my life to even acknowledge it”. This sentence really stood out to me and I could relate to it to some extent. I enjoyed reading your essay it was very well written from start to finish and I wouldn’t change anything.
I liked your essay because is very inspirational. Also I really liked the way you hooked me with that sentences. It was a very interesting topic and it has very good details.
I loved the way you started your essay it made me want to continue reading it was very interesting and very detailed I loved the sentence. I enjoyed reading your essay it was very well written from start to finish, good work Clemson ! But, I think you should add more details about how you felt down and why depression was one important part of your life.
As soon as you began your essay it hooked me, every sentence was very detailed as if you put in some emotion into it. it seemed so much like an poem, I like how you included events and had a huge description behind what was said. I think more can be added, do you think that depression took over your life?
I really enjoyed reading your essay, I found myself extremely hooked because of the details you used; it was poetic yet inspiring which made it somewhat unique. I think you can expand a bit more about the impact depression had on your life, but overall its a really good essay.
I really liked your essay. It was mainly focused on an important topic and you made it very inspirational. I really liked the details you added and your use of repetition when you state, “is a day like all days you could do many things on that day. They’re people who were celebrating many different events, people going to school and work or just staying home.” I would suggest you expand on your personal impact with depression.
I enjoyed reading your essay it was very well written from start to finish and I wouldnât change anything. your essay is very inspirational. Also I really liked the way you hooked me with that sentences. It was a very interesting topic and it has very good details.
You have a very good attention grabber. Â A really liked your essay. I didnât see anything wrong with it. Â It was entertaining to read. Good job
I really enjoyed reading your essay and I thought it was detailed and interesting to read about. You opened up and spoke about something you struggled with in the past and how you grew into what you are today. Only thing to change is to explain what caused the depression or who it impacted outside from you in your life
I liked how your essay was setup, you seemed very open with the audience, speaking about different things you had to struggle with, I love how the there was an inspirational message sent from your essay, I also liked how there wasnât too much fluff or extra ness in your essay, it was very direct
Your essay rally caught my attention. You had very good word choice and your attention to detail was really good. Honestly there was little error in your essay. Your essay also gave a inspirational message.
Your essay was very inspirational. The first sentence made me want to read more. I like the use of repetition. But there are of few moments where you can expand on.
Your essay was really well written and emotional because I found myself relating to the parts explaining depression. I felt like you conveyed your emotions really well through the vocabulary you used. The lesson you learned in the end about cherishing people made me think a lot about the way I treated important people in my life and I found that sentence inspirational.
Really liked the way you started your essay like that it had me hooked from the start. I liked how you were able to express your personal feelings and make it into a great essay. You have the reader feel like he understands you and makes me think. Very inspirational!