My working Outline:
I. INTRO – Start explaining how dance was in cooperated in my life.
II. Describe the lessons I learned through dance and how important it was to me.
III. Talk about the beginning of 8th grade and how excited I felt.
IV. Describe the change in mindset and how that effected my grades.
V. Parents finding out about the decrease in my grades and the consequences.
VI. How I felt and the emotions I was going through thinking about not being able to dance.
VII. Starting to work harder on school to stay in dance.
VIII. CONCLUSION- How dance saved my education and showed me the importance of school and doing things your passionate in
“Watch out for report cards today” says my classmate Jio to me and 3 other people.
“What do you mean? Aren’t they giving it to us? I said while my heart starts beating faster.
“No, they mailed them home we should get them today tomorrow latest” says Jio.
My jaw dropped and heart was beating out my chest I felt it all throughout my body. I knew my parents would be mad. At that point I knew that the only thing I could do was try to get there and get the report card before my parents saw. I live two blocks away from my middle school and dad works nights so even though I knew he was home I was praying that he was sleeping. We get out of school at 3:00 PM every day but it felt like time was moving in slow motion. I felt like every time I looked at the time the universe was playing a joke on me because it was the same time from when I looked before. As soon as 3:00 PM hit I grabbed my stuff, and I ran home with a 2 pound black book bag that was swing around feeling like it could fly off my body due to all the motion of my running. Taking the same route I do every day, the route I could walk in my sleep felt extra-long even though I was using all my energy to run as fast as I could.
I was around the corner from my house when I reached into the side pocket of my book bag where you are supposed to put a water bottle, but I kept my bright green obnoxiously large keychain with one key on it and ran up my stairs with keys in hand.I busted through my front door sweaty and out of breath and I saw my dad standing there opening the mail. I froze for a second trying to read the room then I took my shoes off, put my book bag down and walked over to say hi to my dad. I look at the mail on the table in front of him to see what was left to open. I looked down and saw that the next envelope wasn’t plain white but with green and gold lines to match the colors of my school that had the words. “To the parent or guardian of Kaiulani Perez.” In that moment I knew I was done for. There was nothing I could do once he opened it and there was no way of getting it. I walked in my room and slowly and anxiously started taking off my booger green blazer that had my school logo on the upper left-hand side and unbuttoning my bright yellow school shirt. I tried to be as quite as possible so I can hear the sound of the next envelope opening. I changed my clothes just like I always did and as soon as I was done, I heard in my dad’s voice “Kaiulani Betsy Perez”. My parent’s rarely use my full name, so I knew when Kaiulani was said and not Kai which is what they usually called me I was about to suffer the consequences.
Hi, Kaiulani in the first paragraph you wrote I think you could include a paragraph break there where it says ” We got out of…. Also in the 2nd paragraph where it says “I looked down and…. ” The way you have your outline is good to have in your essay in my opinion.
Hi Kaiulani, I really liked the way you outlined your story it’s very well planned out, I can see what’s coming next and how it connects to the main idea you’re trying to convey. I really liked the part were you said “My jaw dropped and heart was beating out my chest I felt it all throughout my body” your panting the emotion you were feeling in that moment.
Very good scene writing!
What grade was this? You say middle school but 6 or 7 or 8th grade?
Now — I am not sure why your intro doesn’t have even a slight mention of Dance. From your outline I can see that the importance of Dance will be the focus of your essay. Should you have a hint of dance somewhere in this lead/intro? Mention a dance leotard tucked into your backpack? OR — hint that you fear your parents will make you drop Dance? IDK — but you do!
Make sure you weave into your essay how Dance saved your school life. Even if Dance is an outside school extracurricular activity, you will need to show how it influenced your school life, school atittude, school focus — something like that.
I had a similar experience when I was onthe gymnastics team. It wasn’t a school team, but being in gymnastics (and good at it) definitely helped my school life. I was always a good student, so I didn’t need gymnastics to be a motivator to keep up my grades. HOwever in my social school life, being a gymnast really helped me to gain respect from the other students. In my time being a brain was NOT respected at all. I would even say I was made fun of — for wearing glasses, for being in the library all the time. All of a sudden I was sort of famous because now everyone knew I was an athlete and competition gymnast. It helped my school image and helped me gain confidence socially. A huge huge part of my school life.
I guess what I am trying to say is — it’s taking a long time for me to see that Dance is the focus of this essay. In your intro (as you have it now in this rough draft form) I see that this is an essay about how badly youwere doing in school and that’s it.
As you keep on drafting a rough draft, you will make decisions about what parts are best to turn into a scene and what parts are best to leave as shorter-build-ups to the real meaty parts of your story. Choose the key or significant moments from your struggle to turn into scenes and also scenes with dialogue.