MY WORKING OUTLINE:
I: INTRO: The importance of my education
II: Description of my school
III: Scene of getting my math test back
IV: Scene between Jacob and I
V: My journey of my achievements
VI: Opening the minds of our generation- breaking that single story of hispanicsÂ
I felt like an outcast. Mr. Cordova was the third Hispanic teacher in our school, it was his first-year teaching so that meant students would not take him seriously. His class just seemed a lot more welcoming to me. He was a tall man with glasses, and his hair was always gelled up to his right, not a single breeze could ruin it, dressed in a button up and tight dress pants. Mr. Cordova going row by row handing out our tests back as I anxiously waited for mine. “Class 608, I was dissatisfied with the performance of this class… very FEW of you guys scored a grade of 85+, I want you guys to go home and review your tests and bring back your test corrections by next week” Mr. Cordova instructed. My palms became even more sweaty, swinging my feet back and forth, until he FINALLY got to me and said “excellent job… Keep it up” with a smile on his face. A score of 90!!!! I squealed of happiness.
The bell rang, class was over, and Mr. Cordova stepped out. As I’m putting my notebook away, Jacob comes up to my desk “are you that good at math like you are in jumping borders” Jacob said with the biggest smirk on his face as the class proceeded to laugh. In the background were my classmates adding on “build that wall.” I paused and stood there by my seat, disconcerted, I’ve never heard something so absurd in my life. What felt like 2 minutes were 15 secs that it took me to process what was said to me. I began to feel hot, my head feeling hot like it could explode any minute, my face and ears turning red and there I began to cry.Â
Hi Miah, I like the use of descriptive words you used to describe your teacher, and also describe the way you were feeling while sitting in your classroom. In the beginning of the first paragraph you begin to mention that students would not take him seriously I think this is a great place to add more detail as to why they didn’t take him seriously and the actions they did to show they didn’t take him seriously.
MIAH
You created a very good scene here!
NOW — Work on:
1. Sentence Errors – CS Comma Splice
2. FIX quotes in dialogue and put in proper format (remember the 5 things for quotations)
3. ADD CSD concrete specific details.
4. MOVE things around to improve logical flow of events and points.
Mr. Cordova was [only one of three] the third Hispanic teacher in our school, [FIX COMMA SPLICE -CS] it was his first-year teaching so that meant students would not take him seriously. [CLARIFY — TRANSITION NEEDED – how are these two sentences connected? If no one took him seriously, WHY was his class “more welcoming”? Was this because he was Hispanic like you? Then say something to clarify this fact.] His class just seemed a lot more welcoming to me. He was a tall man with glasses, and his hair was always gelled up to his right, not a single breeze could ruin it, dressed in a button up and tight dress pants. [ADD CSD concrete specific details –He was my WHAT grade WHAT subject teacher?]
Mr. Cordova going row by row handing out our tests back as I anxiously waited for mine. “Class 608, I was dissatisfied with the performance of this class… very FEW of you guys scored a grade of 85+, [CS] I want you guys to go home and review your tests and bring back your test corrections by next week” Mr. Cordova instructed.
My palms became even more sweaty, my feet were swinging [MOVE around words] back and forth, [MORE WHAT were you feeling? Anticipation? Worry? Had you thought the test had been hard? MORE DETAILS]
Finally he arrived at my desk, handed me my test, and said, [CORRECT FORMAT FOR QUOTES the 5 things — Capital] “excellent job… Keep it up” with a smile on his face.
[I looked down at my paper and] saw a score of 90!!!! I [let out] a squeal of happiness.
The bell rang, class was over, and Mr. Cordova stepped out.
As I’m putting my notebook away, Jacob [WHAT did he look like – describe him] comes up to my desk [QUOTE FORMAT the 5 things] “[A]re you that good at math like you are in jumping borders[?]” he said with the biggest smirk on his face as the class proceeded to laugh.
In the background were my classmates adding on [QUOTE FORMAT — Capital] “build that wall.”
I paused and stood there by my seat, [ADD CSD concrete specific details — silent and confused] , [CS] I’ve never heard something so absurd in my life. What felt like 2 [spell out number under ten] minutes were 15 secs that it took me to process what was [being said] to me. I began to feel [ADD CSD embarrassed and self-conscious. I knew everyone was looking at me.] My head felt like it could explode any minute, my face and ears turning red and [then and] there I began to cry.
[maybe — ADD something about the moment which should have been a moment of triumph, after all you had scored the highest, turns into a moment of shame and embarrassment. And none of this was your fault.
[MOVE to here] I felt like an outcast.
NOW ADD details facts of your school [NAME? neighborhood? You wrote before that this was your “dream middle school” and “a school known for its high academics in both math and science.”] I was an excellent student and everyone there was too, but [when I started there a year ago — MAKE TIMELINE clear — little did I know I [would have] to prove myself. My Mexican American features my deep tan skin, my dark brown eyes, my deep brown hair that glows light brown in the sun [set me apart]. I was [the only – OR – one of only X number] bilingual students. I had already learned to navigate between my two different worlds. I knew how to change my Mexican ways to become more formal and acceptable around [this new] school, a school where no one thought highly of Mexicans.
ADD CSD about the racial ethnic population and the fact of your being the only Hispanic or Latino student. (really the only or one of a few – like Obama – maybe make a reference to Obama reading)
WHAT are the next events that will move your story forward?
Will you include a scene of receiving awards? “During the school year I was often awarded and given certificates for exceptional performance, and that seemed to make them accept me and respect me.”