“Before you act, think. Society is going to remember what you do.”
āIām tired and want to go home,ā I mutter to myself. As I walk into the cold cafeteria of Apollo Middle School, propelling my diminutive 11-year-old feet across the marbled floor and moving with pace. As I look to the left, my brown, beady eyes lock onto my friends. As I carelessly sit down, embracing my friends’ lighthearted nature, I stop cold in my tracks. As I lift my left hand and rub my middle finger on the back of my coarse neck, I feel a hot, thick, sludgy substance run down my neck. As I grab the substance, my once joyful face is instantly flushed, replaced with despair and agony. āIgnore da man them ya hurd, them boys back there be nothing but trouble,ā my friend Rodwin said in a thick Guyanese accent. The laughter around me blends into my soul as I realize the mess on my neck is something far worse than I imagined. As I clutch my fist, I turn around, feeling the daggering stares of my peers’ eyes on me, their whispers slicing through the air. There I see My tormentors laughing at me the one and only āRomorio Samuelā and his friends.
There I see my tormentors laughing at me, the one and only āRomorio Samuelā and his friends, their cruel laughter ringing in my ears like a demonic song. They gather up together, their smug expressions a painful reminder of the power they once wielded over me, a group bound by shared malice with nothing but the intent to destroy me. Romorio, with his sharp almond eyes features black beady eyes, leads the charge, his voice cutting through the air as he makes some fresh joke at my expense. The others join in, their laughter a cacophony that drowns out my thoughts, a chilling chorus of disdain that feels like an assault on my very being. As my hands start to clutch each other, with anger building up I hear multiple voices trying to reason with me to tell me to relax
Karell, your opening is good and immediately pulls the reader into the moment. I could feel the tension rising as you described the cafeteria and the torment you experienced. Your use of specific details, like rubbing your neck and the description of Romorio’s “sharp almond eyes,” really helps to paint a vivid picture.
One part I found a bit unclear is the moment when you first realize thereās something on your neck. You mention a “hot, thick, sludgy substance,” but it might help the reader if you described what the substance actually is. Adding more about how it feels or smells could intensify that moment.Overall, Iām really drawn in by the tension and the detailed description of the
Karell:
Lots of good detail and description, but there are a few things you need to be more clear about:
WHAT is the beginning quote? Who said this? HOW is it related to what you give in your opening. THIS IS UNCLEAR. IF you are using Mentor Quote Writing Option from the Assignment, you need to be clear WHO said this and HOW it affected you negatively or positively. STUDY THE ASSIGNMENT!
I agree with Derek that you need to CLARIFY: WHAT is this āhot, thick, sludgy substanceā on your neck ? Is this blood? Is this a knife fight? Itās not clear what is happening.
I also need CLARITY on why an 11 year old probably you are in 5th grade is facing such hostility. This sounds more like a gang fight on the street. And you are only 11? Where are the teachers? How could this be happening in a school building?
You need to CLARIFY. You write: There I see My tormentors laughing at me the one and only āRomorio Samuelā and his friends.
Grammatically I was confused. āmeā and then following āRomario and his friendsā. IS THIS WHO YOU ARE? You are Romario?
FIX for CLARITY:
Ā· You write: There I see my tormentors laughing at me, the one and only āRomorio Samuelā and his friends, their cruel laughter ringing in my ears like a demonic song.
Ā· Better using SHORT CLEAR SENTENCES: There I see my tormentors, the one and only āRomorio Samuelā and his friends. I hear their cruel laughter ringing in my ears like a demonic song.
THEN combine with your HW 3 Saved and STUDY MY COMMENTS THERE!