Opening Ed narrative- Henly s.

4 thoughts on “Opening Ed narrative- Henly s.”

1. Henly, I like how you captured the casual, day-to-day vibe of hanging out with your cousin and friends. The dialogue feels natural and helps show the relationships between the characters. I also like the way you describe the setting, especially the part about the bus being packed and the smells, it really brings the moment to life.

   One part that I found a bit unclear is the transition from being on the bus to meeting up with your friends. Maybe you could expand a little more on how you guys finally got off the bus and what the mood was like after arriving. Were you still feeling stressed from running late, or did the vibe change once you linked up with everyone?

   Also, the mention of the food spots is great, but it might help if you tied it more directly to the main story. Were you guys planning to grab food later, or was it just part of the general hangout? This could help clarify why those details are important to the scene. Overall, I think you’re doing a great job of showing a day in your life with your friends.

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2. Ok I see you are giving me details of the daily routine with your friends. Good Scene — but now —

   You need to work on:

   • Capital Letters– Super difficult to make sense of your writing with No capitals and No par breaks. You have all the dialogue squashed together.
   • Separating out the lines of dialogue — New Speaker = New Dialogue
   • RLW and see how our writers do dialogue.

   WHAT is the point of showing me this dialogue. ARE you SHOWING me your bad attitude toward school and then you will show me the CHANGE in you?

   How will this part lead to Ms. Nasser and how she saved you? Isn’t that the focus of this story? You need to move to SHOW this focus. Will Ms. Nasser enter your story soon?

   REmember when Obama opens with the scene in the cafeteria he is clearly SHOWING that he faced racism in his school years.

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3. Make sure you look back and use my comments from your HW 3 Saved.

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4. high school has started, I’m in my sophomore year. I woke up did my morning routine. My cousin (jay) called me “ yo bro when you leaving?” He asked, “in a bit meet me downstairs.”I said. “Ii bet.” as he hung up the phone. I went down stairs and its cold as balls for no reason, he finally came we dab each other and take the 41 bus to go Fordham. WE had t take the 9 bus and it cluttered with people. The wait for the 9 bus was 8 minutes we were already late tit was 8:45 class starts at 8:40. The bus came as we get on there’s no room to move into the bus and we was all up on each other. I text him “oh bro it smells like shit in this bus we gotta get off.” “We gonna have to thug out.”

   We got to our stop where we meet up with some of his mans nay, josh, Tyler. The 1 train passes by there also have some good food spots like chick fli a, apples bees is ok, and some Dominican spot you can’t go wrong with a good Dominican spot. We put our bread together it was like 40 cash we put up. We went to go cop at the ocks.

   Tyler asked “who got papers, grabba and a lighter.”

   Jay replied “ i got papers.” looking into his bag to find them. We found a spot in the projects it was at the roof where nobody would go. I smelled the weed. “This smell good as shit bro smells like birthday cake” i was telling them. Josh started rolling we sat in the breeze of the wind. Nay told jay “ hurry your ass up we ain’t got all day.” As she scolds him.

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