Between Two Worlds – Odalys

I have chosen this writing prompt to develop into the Major Unit One assignment.

Growing up I always felt lost because I was never fully coherent neither in Spanish nor English. I felt like I had to constantly play tug of war between the two languages because I could not be prominent in either or. Upon my arrival to my house, I had to turn off my English. Meaning, I was not allowed to speak it within the household because if not I would be ignored by my mother, unless I spoke Spanish. I grew up in a household where my parents would be ashamed if I failed to dominate Spanish. Just for the fact that how would it look having two Mexican parents who cannot even put a sentence together in English, nor tell the difference between bear or bare and their daughter not being able to understand their native language. In their eyes, it would mean that they have failed as parents, which I thought it was a bit extreme just for the fact that we are in a country whose common language is English.  

However, I always felt like their eagerness for me to be able to fluctuate between two languages was mostly for their own benefit. From what I can recall, from the age of 6 I was assigned to be my parents’ personal translator, for when we went out to a doctor’s appointment or to simply make a purchase. From an early age I was stereotyped by my own parents. My parents assumed that because I went to school from Monday to Friday from 8am to 3pm that I was an expert and knew every single word in the English vocabulary. Along with that, I could fill out paperwork or translate important government documents. They assumed and expected me to know all of this by the age of 6. My immigrant parents failed to realize the amount of stress and pressure it was for me to execute these tasks at such an early age when I was learning myself how to speak standard English. 

I recall my dad once coming to my room as I laid in bed, kicking my feet in the air as I played my Nintendo and asking me “como se dice escalera en ingles” I remember being so confused because I was not sure which “escalera” he meant if ladder or stairs. I paused my game, flipped around and unsurely I replied hesitantly 

“Se dice stairs pa”  

Baffled by what he had just asked me, I remember him coming back a few minutes later stomping his feet firmly on the ground with furrowed brows and a clenched jaw. In a frustrated loud tone, he said 

“Para que te mando a la escuela si no sabes como se dice algo tan simple como escalera en ingles. No que muy inteligente? No sirves”  

I can still recall how I felt in that moment, the knot forming in my throat, the weird gut feeling in my stomach and my face reddening ready to start crying any second. He had put my intelligence to question and when I had failed to successfully translate the word “escalera” to “ladder,” he questioned why he even sent me to school if I was not even useful to help him with a simple task. While my dad may not have meant it, he did not realize how that struck me and affected my confidence in my ability throughout my educational journey. 

Not only was I then insecure to speak Spanish because I did not want to get my intelligence questioned again. I just wanted to feel like I belonged to something. I took it upon myself to learn nothing but Spanish to please my parents. Not just any Spanish, their Mexican Spanish, learning all the slangs and even pick up the accent. I asked my mom to teach me and to correct me when I pronounced a word wrong. I would come home and watch every day after school at 4pm on channel 17 “El Chavo del Ocho” or “La Familia Peluche” which are a Mexican-Spanish comedian shows. To add on, only listen to Spanish music. I wanted to learn so bad that I even went to “rezos” with my mom, which were groups of ladies who carried “La Virgen de Guadalupe” a catholic figure, house to house and prayed over an hour in Spanish, who were then thanked by the owner of the house with food. I went to so many of the “rezos” as a kid that now as an adult I only know how to pray in Spanish and not English. I was so committed to learning Spanish so my parent can be proud and see me as useful and not a whitewashed Mexican.  

Nevertheless, this affected me drastically academic wise because I was now struggling to read and understand the English language being taught to me. My learning disability made it no better, I was behind on my reading grade level. I struggled speaking English because I would get them confused with Spanish words or incorrectly pronounce them. For example, one time at school the fire alarm had gone off and I remember telling my friend in a booming voice as the fire alarm ringed my ears 

“We have too eh-ba-kuh-ate right now”  

I can still visualize her face of confusion as if I had said something wrong “What?? What is that?” she said while covering one ear 

Which I replied, “omg we have to eh-ba-kuh-ate, we must leave, we have to remove ourselves and go outside!!” as I am moving my arms like traffic conductor, pointing to the exit  

She giggles and after a couple of seconds of realization she said “oh do you mean evacuate? For a minute I thought you were saying something in Spanish.”  

While I had the right word, my pronunciation was completely off. I laughed it off because I found it funny, but I realized how bad it had gotten to the point where I could not even pronounce a simple word. My English was completely broken, but Spanish was better, so I spoke Spanglish. I would combine both to express myself, fortunately for me most of my friends spoke Spanish and English, so they understood me but not my teachers. It was challenging because I could not write my homework responses in Spanglish or talk to my teachers in Spanglish. It was just not appropriate to do in an educational setting.  

I was struggling learning the school material because I found the words too difficult to understand, and my confidence in speaking either language was on the ground. I came to reflect that I had my priorities messed up, I was so focused on wanting to learn Spanish so I can please my parents that I had forgotten about me. I had let myself go. I was not my priority anymore; my education was not my priority because I was so stuck-up looking for my parents’ validation. I was stuck between these two worlds of language.  

The teachers at my elementary school started seeing my delays and struggles so they assisted me with speech therapy and at times put me in ESL Classes (English Second Language) to see what would work for me best. Moreover, they would give me worksheets like English Spelling to practice on my grammar or English words with pictures so I can match them. I was also given books to read with a reading log to make sure I practiced at home. Which I am so thankful for because it helped me improve and obtain my basic English skills back. Additionally, I would then limit myself to only watch shows in English or only speak English to my brother to get more comfortable and regain my confidence back.  

However, learning English was scary for me because I did not want to lose the connection to the Spanish language. I had worked so hard to speak, read and write Spanish that I was doubtful because I thought it would mean I would lose the connection with my parents. My parents’ stereotypes did the opposite for me, my dad had gotten mad because I failed to translate the word to English. So, because I felt bad and so he can forget about it and not see me as an empty-headed I did the opposite and learned Spanish instead of English. I was at an age where I was learning English and seeing how mad he got, he drew out my motivation on wanting to learn the language. So, I instead resorted to Spanish, a language I was raised with and decided to first work on it then on English.  

Growing up bilingual was challenging because I was limited to advance vocabulary words and used to standard English. As a kid growing up in with immigrant parents it was and still is challenging practicing my English outside of educational settings. I mostly only speak Spanish but since enrolling back in College I have been able to speak more English and read more. While it may take me longer to dissect and understand a reading, because I must constantly look up definitions so the reading can make sense to me. It is something I do not mind doing because I enjoy discovering unfamiliar words and synonyms for simple words in the English language.