My freshman year of high school was a difficult time in my educational journey. I was experiencing low self-esteem and felt disconnected from my classmates. I felt out of place at school and lacked motivation to participate in extracurricular activities. The gym rescued me and gave me a sense of direction. I decided to go to the gym after school one day to work out and clear my mind. I began to feel better physically and mentally as I became more consistent in going to the gym. I discovered that I had a natural talent for weightlifting and that I enjoyed challenging myself. I also made some wonderful friends with whom I am still in contact.
What I liked best about this activity was the sense of accomplishment it gave me, as well as the positive impact it had on my mental health. Working out gave me a sense of control over my life and helped me manage my stress. This activity transformed my attitude toward school by providing me with a sense of purpose and motivation to better myself. I discovered that as I improved my physical fitness, my academic performance improved as well. I gained confidence and became more engaged in my classes, and I discovered that I had more energy and focus to devote to my studies. I had a few gym mentors who helped me improve my technique and encouraged me to keep going. They provided me with valuable feedback and support, allowing me to grow both physically and mentally. This experience taught me that I was capable of much more than I had previously believed. I also learned the value of consistency and dedication in achieving my objectives. I also go to the gym because to better myself and to have the satisfaction to look good.
It’s impressing how you were able to transform yourself mentally and gain control of yourself to improve on all aspects.
Jason:
OK – but can you notice that you are only telling me, not SHOWING me. Now you need to add details and specific descriptions to SHOW me that the working out in gym saved you and how that transferred to your school life and make it an interesting story, a narrative.
I have some suggestions —
My freshman year of high school was a difficult time in my educational journey. [add in death of grandfather as timeline marker—I see a way to join your work on two writing prompts—do you?] I was experiencing low self-esteem and felt disconnected from my classmates [more context here—Why? How can you show details? Is there a memory of disconnection from class mates or low self-esteem at school? SHOw me your school struggles with details. CSD.] I felt out of place at school and lacked motivation to participate in extracurricular activities.
[new par for new topic] The gym rescued me and gave me a sense of direction.
I decided to go to the gym after school one day to work out and clear my mind. [describe the first day at gym. Think how Colin Powell described his first day at City College. He really takes his reader there. Think the 5W/s and use details/description.] I began to feel better physically and mentally as I became more consistent in going to the gym. I discovered that I had a natural talent for weightlifting and that I enjoyed challenging myself. I also made some wonderful friends with whom I am still in contact. [Here’s a place to elaborate on. Is there anyone special you would like to do a paragraph on – like Colin Powell focusing on Ronald Brooks?]
What I liked best about this activity was the sense of accomplishment it gave me, as well as the positive impact it had on my mental health. Working out gave me a sense of control over my life and helped me manage my stress. This activity transformed my attitude toward school by providing me with a sense of purpose and motivation to better myself. [Here can you describe a SPECIFIC class or a SPECIFIC project or a SPECIFIC school activity where what you learned in the gym transferred over?] I discovered that as I improved my physical fitness, my academic performance improved as well. I gained confidence and became more engaged in my classes [OK again need a specific description of “gaining confidence” and being “more engaged” – think back to your memory what it the best memory that shows this?], and I discovered that I had more energy and focus to devote to my studies. I had a few gym mentors who helped me improve my technique and encouraged me to keep going. They provided me with valuable feedback and support, allowing me to grow both physically and mentally. [so SHOW me one mentor or friend as you mentioned above].
This experience taught me that I was capable of much more than I had previously believed. I also learned the value of consistency and dedication in achieving my objectives. I also go to the gym because to better myself and to have the satisfaction to look good. [Maybe show us what you looked like before and after becoming a devoted gym work out person – is there a specific name for this kind of person?]