Did a good job on using multiple different points to help my claim

 

Education is important, however some children can be easily manipulated into thinking that it is the only way to be successful, or that it’s simply the most important thing in our lives

 

I think when I introduced my other experience in school it could’ve been confusing because I just brought it up without any transition, this could’ve confused readers and make them not know what was really going on in this part of the text. 

I could’ve actually introduced it properly instead of just talking about it in a new paragraph, I could’ve used background info on the topic and smoothly introduced it in context with the essay. 

I could have added more on how I felt after my experiences. 

The example of Kanye and Steve Jobs, after some review it was brought to my attention that these two men probably weren’t the best examples to use when it comes to school, because they basically went to college for an ok amount of time, and there were just better examples i could’ve used.