The first years of middle school, a lot of new friends came around. They helped me feel welcomed, they helped me feel like I was a puzzle piece that completed the whole puzzle. I was very oblivious to why people, or friends treated me the way they did, it led me to thinking of myself more than I should have put out there. A lot of regret of the actions I’ve had because of those actions and the people I missed experience with. As I made my way through high school, I understood that as people left, I would learn more about them and myself. It made it easier for me to adjust to some things and tolerate others. The hallways of my school were always crowded but it made it easier for me to talk to people in a certain way so I could get along with them, although it was just for that certain moment. The people that stayed, stayed and the people that I broke from allowed me to better myself, slowly but of course, not perfectly. Some in a good and some in a bad way. Some things of course, I don’t understand as much as they’re made out to be, but it all comes with time.
Although I did meet and leave a good amount of people, it led me to notice things more, and care less but in a more reasonable way. I found out that most of my actions reflected a lot of the things that were complicated for me and brought me out to be a bigger person than I was, to other people and to myself, in this case, in the future, which is the current present, and the to be near future for myself. It brings me to understand more about what my parents meant when they told me to do my work and to stop getting distracted. There were times, specifically in my 11th grade year of high school that I sat in my dark, warm room with the computer on to my left and the monitor on right in front of me, my family in the living room, having much more fun than I was. Zoning out and constantly regretting being lazy and procrastinating, telling myself that I would finish the untouched work to my right on the desk. It got to the point where even a shower wasn’t on my mind because of how lazy I was. In that moment, I was basically taking everything for granted, and even then, I passed on a whim. The teachers that helped me as much as I could, and my family and friends that tried to motivate me as much as they could. It was a slow understanding that people wanted to see me doing better than I looked.
Some things I do understand, but in a weird way given the idea that people are more different from others and are all different in general. I do know for a fact that overthinking leads me to understand more things that are simple, or quick in a sense that they bring me constant awareness to certain things faster than others. Whether it be a situation with my friends and someone else or going to the grocery store and wondering why nobody else has self-awareness. On a crowded train or bus, I sometimes think, “why aren’t they taking off their backpacks, isn’t it common courtesy?” or as stated, in the grocery store, “why are they taking up the whole lane, if there’s space for other people to move?” In another sense, it’s the friends I’m always with, and then the students I sed to work around. The focus that some people have when it comes to work or the things they do, it amazes me but its simple just focusing on one thing at a time. My friends, whenever in on the game with them, they constantly switch from topic to topic, making it hard for me to keep up, or they memorize something in a game that we play, it confuses me, but allows me to understand that some people are much different than others, whether it be taking or giving information. Unlike them, its hard for me to stay focused on one thing, being distracted is a constant problem for me, making it hard for me to get some things done, more complicated and long over the simple things. In a way, some of these things bring me to overthink a lot, allowing me to understand a lot in the same way. It allows me to write while thinking outside of the box, or take things more seriously, compared to how I never did before.
Whenever I think of my future, I imagine how I could react or make a difference to some other people that would of course come after me. How to treat my children, or nieces and nephews so they don’t become an adult with hate, but making the reasonable options, allowing them to think as much, but not too much to the point it becomes mentally unstable for them. As stated before, some people think and react differently to other people, it can be easier or harder for them to understand that simply put, if they don’t do good, or work to their fullest, then they will eventually regret, but if they work too hard then they will eventually start to get too into the habit and remove the relationship wise priorities in their life. Not to spoil them with the gifts that I wasn’t given because they might take everything else for granted, but to give it to them because they’re children, so they wouldn’t think too much about the bad or the good. In the end, it’s a sense of not knowing what the person is thinking, making it harder for me to be who I am or act how I should around them, whether they understand or not.