https://docs.google.com/document/d/11F4bxJQLOBrJr8-ayQtaVqV5UT9cWvC2V9mZPAOx10k/edit?usp=sharing
Composition 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/11F4bxJQLOBrJr8-ayQtaVqV5UT9cWvC2V9mZPAOx10k/edit?usp=sharing
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Jamal,
I think that you did an excellent job with your essay. I think that the perspective that you wish to portray to the reader is done so quite elegantly. Be careful of some minor grammatical mistakes. At one point you write, âThen has his friend fix the button on his pocket. I will be using this story as an example or reference point because of the style and adapt this style into a personal experience of mine.â There is an extra space between âreferenceâ and âpointâ. I really liked how you used dialogue to tell the story, and I like that you tried to put yourself in the lens of both the store clerk and the mother. I think that you represented the mindset of each of these people in the story very well!
Nice essay, Jamal. I liked the idea of writing the story from the store clerk’s perspective because it shows how some people treat others by their âbook coverâ not even knowing their personalities, âI then noticed a middle-age black lady and her black child walk into the store….Maybe sheâs trying to steal.â I learned that people can have different interpretations on the same event which can be due to their background and sometimes race. The only feedback I have for you is to check your grammar and try to add a little more about interpretation in the introduction paragraph.
Hey Jamal! Great job writing this story! I’m sorry that you and your mother actually went through this, but I think you nailed it! I wrote my comments on this copy of your essay. I think you did a great job showing how people jump to conclusions when you wrote through the eyes of the clerk. Obviously it was a new clerk or one that hasn’t seen your mom before especially since she was a long time customer, but that fact doesn’t justify the clerk’s behavior at all. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oCUwyLcFbFRblBWYRMeYcmyyraN5KlZVzD7EnxSBfsg/edit?usp=sharing
Jamal this was yet another unique essay I have read so far, I like how you wrote both perspectives and how you understood that you probably had to assume why the clerk did that based on actions but it was a great way of doing it. The sad part is that this happened to me and my friends when I went to PA in a supermarket and I can totally understand you and your mom’s frustration in this story. What I would suggest is that you make your mother’s perspective more of a dialogue style of writing instead of the normal paragraph style, it would just be a great fit for this type of writing style. The conversations and the thought felt very natural and I could picture the scenery in my head while reading it.
I like how you wrote the two different perspectives based off of your memory from many years ago, especially in the perspective of the store clerk, since you would have to assume what she was thinking.
Hi Jamal,
I really enjoyed reading your essay. It wasnât about âThe moneyâ so it was a nice change. Your essay is so different. Not only did you not recreate the story by Raymond Queneau, you made the story your own by including your mother as a character and the store clerk. Also by writing such a relatable essay (to me). Being a Black woman getting followed throughout the store is normal. I enjoyed how you wrote the store clerks interpretation to be a complete racist fool, because ultimately those are the ones racially profiling. This essay reminds me of the reading we had âTriptych: Texas Pool Partyâ where the cop is justifying why heâs aggressively handling the 15-year-old girl. I would suggest how about putting your momâs perspective first and then the store clerks? Either way, both ways work.
I really enjoyed this essay and Iâm looking forward to reading your final draft.
Hello Jamal,
This is a great essay. I like how you include interpretation in your introduction. Stories from both perspectives are interesting. I like the messages you are giving in this story. From the mother’s perspective: â Son, remember, if any business racially profiles you or assumes youâre stealing, they donât deserve your moneyâ. In store clerks perspective âI came to the conclusion that this woman was stalling for somethingâ, this proves sometimes we jump into conclusions and judge people by their looks which can be very deceptive.
It would be great if you could make your essay link clickable (hyperlink).
Hi Jamal,
This is a great first draft. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and you are great at story telling and are creative. You were able to tell a captivating story that unfortunately many people can relate to. As others have said just proof read and read out loud to catch anything you would would want to change. As others have said it was interesting that the topic about preconceived notions and being judgmental which everyone can admit to being. “The moment before I stepped my foot out the door, I told the clerk and the owner âIf you’re going to follow me around the store, then you donât need my money. Iâm not gonna give my money to any establishment that suspects me of a thief. You think I didnât notice you following me and my son step-for-step? Nah.” I can total relate to not coming back to a store after being followed. It’s quite embarrassing and where is the accountability?