Essay 1 Draft
Composition 1
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Hey Stephanie, This was an outstanding reading. I loved the sci-fi aspect of the first story and how you still kept the main story points throughout the story even though they really different. what I learned from this is that no matter how rich or poor you are there’s always something of unbelievable value in your household no matter what it is. Your essay is also very well organized and I cant see to find any errors in it, it looks like you took a long time going over it and it shows even though it is the first draft. I just want to say thank you for all your feedback and for being so helpful to all of us in the class.
Hello Stephanie.
I really enjoyed reading your essay. I Like how you wrote your essay from a point of view of âa daughter of a rich CEOâ. I like the way you inserted a couple of questions in your essayâ What about a rich person? Can a robbery impact them in the same way?â What I have learned is that this is a nice way of making a reader pause for a minute and think. Great work.
Thank you Starlyn and Indeevari! I’m glad you enjoyed it, that was my goal. And Starlyn, it’s my pleasure to help! What else is there to do with knowledge other than to share it with others.
Stephanie,
This is magnificent creative work youâve producedâready the query letter!
A bunch of small-to-big things:
–Have you read ETA Hoffmanâs âThe Sandmanâ ? The explosion that destroys the father in your first re-written version of âThe Moneyâ reminds me of this old, spooky, proto-sci-fi story. If you havenât read it, you might like itâŚ
On p. 2, where are we in time when you write: âI asked my mother where her keycard was, and sure enough, it wasnât in her bag where she put it.â ? Can we make the timing of this moment clearer somehowâi.e., before or after the vacation?
Further down p. 2: I would go to his house in the means of making amends and sharing this âlittle factâ that we finally have a cure that may help my father and his wife and that we wanted to share it. Iâd gauge his reaction and then proceed.
–can be reworded to: I would go to his house with the apparent intent of making amendsâŚ.
–perhaps break the rest of the sentence into another sentence? (the âandsâ begin to pile upâŚand unless itâs a sort of âwordyâ style youâre going forâin which case the rest of the story should also be comparably wordyâthen Iâd find a way to avoid this quandaryâŚ)
âI would make two of my famous tiramisu ahead of time. Only one has a little something extra.â
–Stick with the conditional mode in sentence 2: Only one WOULD HAVE a little something extra tucked into itâŚâ đ
–In this paragraph, when you cut from planning to enacting the plan (baking the cake), make a new paragraph to signal this shift from plan to action.
–At the end of this version of the story, Iâm missing the narratorâs hesitation to return to his mother her rightful property. Is there a way to include this part of the original story (which I have been emphasizing as part of what makes âThe Moneyâ unique?)
–In âThe Theftâ again watch out for paragraphing: you want to make a new paragraph whenever you shift modes (from hypothetical to actual) or episodes (from hanging out at Junotâs to the walk home, talking with your brotherâthis is where Iâd definitely put a paragraph break in the opening section of this story).
–Again, is there a way of signaling Junotâs hesitation to return the funds to his mother in âThe Theftâ? I realize this is tricky, given the POV from which you are writing⌠but perhaps not impossibleâŚ
–Lastly, my BIG PICTURE thought on both of your re-writes centers on the question of style/voice: there are times when both of these versions seem to âsoundâ similar in terms of word choice, punctuation (exclamations!), etc. Is there a way of going back over both of these and making the narrator of âThe Machineâ sound a bit more⌠nerdy? Technophilic? FormalâŚperhaps to the point of rigidity? Is there a way to make the thief sound⌠more criminal? More like a âbad guyâ? OrâŚmore vulnerable/desperate (if you want to complicate him in that way)? On the whole, I just want to challenge you to try to vary the styles in these two re-writes a good deal more⌠And this may in turn lead you to reflect further/differently in your conclusion on the effects of styleâŚ
Thank you for the feedback Professor! I’m looking forward to the challenges with rewriting it! And I gotta be honest, I had to look up what a query letter is. Do you think it could really go that far? Thanks again!