Kelly Pinedo Essay #1 Draft
Composition 1
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Hey Kelly! I really liked the stories you wrote! You followed the main plot well! The only note I have is about your “notation” style. It can be more straight to the point by keeping your sentences short and concise. Imagine your taking quick notes of something you are witnessing, kind of like writing an outline. For example like this: (I copied and pasted a part of your story)
In East Harlem in Manhattan is the poorest neighborhood. All recent immigrants reside here. My father was a cop. He recently won a gold medal. He also won 5,000 in cash. He was rewarded for protecting the neighborhood and immigrants. This was a blessing. We barely had money. We can’t afford weekly meals. We rely on cereal and tuna. Angel was my friend. His mother died a few days ago. The news said my father killed her. He was arresting her for a robbery. Angel took it hard. The event caused a complicated grief disorder. He was feeling very angry. I decided to go to his house.
Try writing the rest of the story like this, you don’t want to use too many adjectives unless necessary to make the point clear. Don’t use segways to connect the sentences to each other. For the reported style, I think you nailed it! I hope this is helpful!
Hello Kelly,
I enjoyed reading your essay. “This young man had a friend named Angel who had reportedly broken down and acquired complicated grief disorder right after his mother’s death”. I like your creative writing. What I liked the most was the way you described the robbery as an act of rebellion of a depressed teen. I think you did a good job. Keep it up. It would be nice if you could add a bit more to your introduction.
Hey Kelly, I loved the plot twist of the first story and how the second story is written it feels like I was watching it through a news channel. I liked the way you just change little things of the main story yet it felt so unique and original. Also, I liked how you added in that they stole his favorite video game “The last of us 2” which is an amazing game that’s coming out soon. What I learned from this is that you made Junot’s father replace the mother in this story. The only suggestion I would have for you is to just separate the stories by 2 spaces or so, that way is easier to tell when one is going to end and where the other begins. Overall a great essay, keep up the great work.