Here are the students samples with suggested changes:

1.

The Inspiration of a Place

How does a place affect someone’s life and success?  A place affects a person’s life in many ways, just as it affected Nelson George’s life when he moved to Fort Greene, Brooklyn.  In the essay, “Fort Greene Dreams” by Nelson George, the author states that it doesn’t matter where you live; every place has a history just depends how the person decides to live it.  Fort Greene wasn’t different from where he lived before.  Nelson George got inspired by his surroundings and wrote his great articles and books.  Fort Greene helped him become a young kids’ mentor and even his own family.  I agree, because I personally don’t live in the greatest place, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try and make something out of myself.

Hook: Take out the question; make a statement

Summary: second sentence: clarify what didn’t change; where he moved from; credit the text; mentor: clarification of meaning

Thesis: fix “agree”—change the word agree or add what part of George’s essay the writer is agreeing with.

2.

Moments that Bring Us Back

Sometimes we experience something that might bring back memories of a specific situation.  In the essay “Coney Island of the Mind” by Katie Roiphe, she compares the beginning and the end of a relationship to the Cyclone, a famous roller coaster, on which she shares a moment on the ride that brings back memories of her father.  Any random experience can take someone back to a moment they wish they could change.

Opening line: strong

Summary: Make two lines and separate the relationships

Thesis: needs first person; clarify the experience a little more

3.

XXXX’s Motivations

       I was very lucky because I grew up in a city called XXXX.  XXXX truly motivated me and helped me in choosing y major.  And of course I thank my father’s architectural studio in XXXX.  In the essay, “Fort Greene Dreams,” the notable writer Nelson George illustrates Fort Greene Brooklyn.  George states that fort Greene has a rich artistic background, which really helped him to focus in an artistic vibe.  Like Nelson George, my father’s architectural studio and the city of XXXX itself drew my interests toward art.

Hook: strong because it shows personality and relationship to the text

Summary: concise and relates to ideas in the essay

Thesis: specific; shows first person (even without using I)

ENG-1101-2015-essay-1-THE FIX Answered