Grisly (adjective) – inspiring disgust or distaste

Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grisly

From: “The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma” by  Junot Diaz

“By the time I was eleven, I was suffering from both depression and uncontrollable rage. By thirteen, I stopped being able to look at myself in the mirror—and the few times I accidentally glimpsed my reflection I’d recoil like I’d got hit in the face by a jellyfish stinger. (What did I see? I saw the crime, my grisly debasement, and if anyone looked at me too long I would run or I would fight.)”

Here, the narrator uses the word grisly to show how depression is causing him to see a gruesome decrease in character. He fears that depression is taking away the characteristics that define him. Also, depression is making him become an introvert because he doesn’t want to communicate with anybody or get attention from anybody.