Being stuck between two worlds and not realizing it is probably the most confusing thing than anything else. Regardless of black power signs on my elementary school’s grey bricked walls and Caribbean flags plastered on bulletin boards, my school crawled Islanders from all over. From Dominicans to Trinanadians everyone seemed to have a different way of speaking. The would always be an echo of tiny voices asking âWhat does that meanâ whenever a slang was used that was popular in someoneâs elseâs ethnicity. Nevertheless, the one group that was more abundant than any other was the Haitians, my group. From the staff to the students an orchestra of Haitian Creole always floated through the halls. âFi sa a toujou taâ, would be the first thing I heard walking into school 10 minutes late. It doesnât take much context clues to realize the âfi sa a toujou taâ translates to âthis girl is always lateâ in creole. Being surrounded by Haitians at home and school made it feel like I was learning more Creole than English. That inconvenient fact reflected in my speech without me even noticing. Iâll make minuscule grammatical mistakes like âI’ll broom the floor laterâ or âStop being a Ipocriteâ. Obviously, you sweep a floor and the aitch in hypocrite is most definitely not silent. My parents only fed into my misconception of words with theirs. Teachers at my low income school didnât seem to notice, or perhaps care either. Iâd score high on every vocabulary test, offer to read aloud and my essays always scored high.
English was my favorite subject because it made sense and was straightforward to me. Though this was true, something was always lacking, but I never knew what. It wasnât until I got to middle school where the kids were more Americanized that I finally knew what it was. Strolling down the blue halls already late for class my best friend Emani and I were talking about what weâre gonna get to eat after school. âI donât know I kind of want a sungwich,â I said without thinking twice.
There was a short burst of silence before Emani exclaimed âWhat hell is that? Do you mean a SANDWICH?â
âIs that not what I said,â I asked with a confused chuckle.
âNot at all girl,â she said before continuing to a new conversation. Thatâs when it clicked for me, after that interaction I realized how much I scramble my pronunciation of the simplest words. Now that I was aware of it I could correct myself and make sure it didnât happen again. Finally being aware of one of my weaknesses helped me to not only overcome it and become a stronger speaker but to also help out my parents if they said something incorrectly.
Hi, Hannael I think the part that is a good type of description to put in your working outline would be the dialogue included in there with your friend. Maybe you can include a scene of you having to correct something your parents had said incorrectly one time. I think the places where you wrote “nevertheless… , and being surrounded by…. can possibly have paragraph breaks there.
Hey, Hannael I love this piece and the description of your schools neighborhood. You’re first paragraph paints a good image in my head but I believe it could be broken down in three. The sentence of from Dominicans and Trinidadians everyone seemed to…” I believe you can end it there and maybe even add how this neighborhood made you feel and As leslie mentioned when you wrote “nevertheless….” you can create a new paragraph.
HANNAEL â This is a promising beginning. I am interested to see what you do with this.
Where is outline?
I am gathering that the focus of this essay — I felt as if I was stuck between two worlds and did not even realize it.
Work on
1. Paragraph breaks
2. Adding more parts to elaborate and build up your story.
POSSIBLE TITLE: I felt like I was stuck between two different worlds and did not even realize it! â maybe a better wording of this sentence for title?
SHOW me this colorful school entrance way! â CREATE SCENE HERE of voices and students in the morning arrival. Need a details description CSD Concrete Specific Details — Start with description of this elementary school as you walk into the entrance (or wherever you see these flags). Regardless of black power signs on my elementary schoolâs [DETAILS on the ethnic population mix at this school â NAME of school and location â What NYC neighborhood?âCLARIFY the significance of black power â Were students political?] grey bricked walls and Caribbean flags plastered on bulletin boards, my school crawled Islanders [explain this terminology for people from this part of the world] from all over.
From Dominicans to Trinanadians everyone [every student] seemed to have a different way of speaking. The would always be an echo of tiny voices asking âWhat does that meanâ whenever a slang was used that was popular in someoneâs elseâs ethnicity. [SO SHOW me an example of a slang word commonly heard in the halls and the convo that happened]
Nevertheless, the one group that was more abundant than any other was the Haitians, my group. From the staff to the students an orchestra of Haitian Creole always floated through the halls. âFi sa a toujou taâ, would be the first thing I heard walking into school 10 minutes late. It doesnât take much context clues to realize the âfi sa a toujou taâ translates to âthis girl is always lateâ in creole.
Can you SHOW me a dialogue with classmates at your elementary school with you and your friends conversing in the slang of Haitian Creole? SHOW me the world of Haitian Creole at your elementary school.
[MOVE DOWN TO WHERE YOU SHOW THIS DIVISION IN YOUR WORLDS]
Being surrounded by Haitians at home and school made it feel like I was learning more Creole than English. I felt as if I was stuck between two worlds and did not even realize it [MOVED TO HERE].
[Did school also feel like a second-home âwere there benefits? â Then you can switch into the negative aspects â how you did not learn standard English in this school] That inconvenient fact [WAS] reflected in my speech without me even noticing. Iâll [made] make minuscule grammatical mistakes like âIâll broom the floor laterâ or âStop being a Ipocriteâ. Obviously, you sweep a floor and the aitch in hypocrite is most definitely not silent.
My parents only fed into my misconception of words with theirs. [CLARIFY/EXPLAIN/ DEVELOP â ADD about parents influence on your language]
Teachers at my low income [significance of income here?] school didnât seem to notice, or perhaps care either. [SHOW ME a scene with teachers also talking in the vernacular* Iâd score high on every vocabulary test, offer to read aloud and my essays always scored high. [Are these ways you compensated for your lack of standard English? What else did you do and was this a way of hiding the fact that you didnât speak standard English? HOW did you feel about this deficiency?]
English was my favorite subject because it made sense and was straightforward to me [CLARIFY because in previous paragraph you said you did not speak standard English â so how was English âstraightforwardâ?] — [END this paragraph with –Though this [WHAT] was true, something was always lacking, but I never knew what. It wasnât until I got to middle school [NAME of new school] where the kids were more Americanized [CLARIFY what does more Americanized mean?] that I finally knew what it was.
[GOOD DIALOGUE here â put in proper format]
Strolling down the blue halls already late for class my best friend Emani and I were talking about what weâre gonna get to eat after school. âI donât know I kind of want a sungwich,â I said without thinking twice.
There was a short burst of silence before Emani exclaimed [COMMA] âWhat hell is that? Do you mean a SANDWICH?â
âIs that not what I said,â I asked with a confused chuckle.
âNot at all girl,â she said before continuing to a new conversation.
Thatâs when it clicked for me, after that interaction I realized how much I scramble my pronunciation of the simplest words. Now that I was aware of it I could correct myself and make sure it didnât happen again. [HERE ADD A NEW PART — GIVE DETAILS ON THE STEPS YOU TOOK TO CORRECT YOUR ENGLISH â SHOW ME YOUR PROCESS OF LEARNING TO SPEAK STANDARD ENGLISH.]
Finally being aware of one of my weaknesses helped me to not only overcome it and become a stronger speaker but to also help out my parents if they said something incorrectly.
¡ LOOK up this word: vernacular. It might serve you well in writing this story
¡ Consider making a connection to Mother Tongue by Amy Tan. Remember this is a requirement for this assignment.