“You’re lazy, you don’t do anything anymore, You’ve became a worthless nobody.” – Myself
Most quotes I usually remember come from myself, whether they are negative ones or positive ones. This one in particular I usually keep in my head a lot when doing things such as my hobbies or even going to school and even now when I started college. I can be doing great or doing at my worst and this quote that my inner self tells me just lingers around no matter how I’m doing in my life, almost like it’s some parasite just leeching onto my brain and sucking up any dopamine or happy feelings I have during the moment. This quote would linger around with me around the years of late 2019 to early 2020, just around when the pandemic would end up locking us in the house for around a year or two. I was happy, was able to kind of slack off, do whatever, and even made new friends along the way of my pandemic journey online. It was a nice time for me since I hated going to school and then one day in 2021 is when it hit me, and this quote was also placed on a pedestal in my mind.
It was probably around middle of 2021, perhaps June or July, I was just sat at my computer silently playing some games, soloing it out since not a lot of my friends were on at this time and they were busy. For some context, at this point of my life, I had a group of friends and we were all trying to achieve stuff as a group and trying to rise to stardom by making stuff like clothes and content, and I picked up on stuff like editing videos and even Photoshop, since these were things I always had a passion for. But, besides that, I was basically blasting with passion and motivation during this time but, just this specific night, I look over at my friends things and began to scroll through them, they were putting in work into stuff, they were trying and I was just sat there doing nothing, last time I did anything was almost about a month ago at least. And then that’s when the thoughts began to flow through my brain and then I sat there and then it hit me. “You’re lazy, you don’t do anything anymore, You’ve became a worthless nobody.” This quote of course shook me a bit, amongst other things my brain has told me that I won’t get into since I don’t know if it’s appropriate but, that’s off topic. After I told myself this I basically went down on a deep spiral of lack of motivation and just lack of anything, happiness, dopamine, and much more. I slowed down on my work, slept through school, skipped classes when I didn’t need to, I basically became this ray of passion and motivation back then to just some sad kid who goes home, plays games, and sleeps at 1 to 2 in the morning, to even becoming anti-social and isolating myself, developing some kind of loneliness and of course towards more things that I won’t discuss here either. It didn’t help much I was thrown stuff as well like “You’re the smartest kid I know” by my cousins or “You could be top of the class, if you just stopped sleeping in class” by my teachers and usually the one that used to hit the most was when I was told “You think sleeping all day and playing games all day will get you anywhere in life? You’ll just end up homeless.” by my own mother when she used to see her son go from top grades and top of the class to borderline passing classes, almost getting into summer school, and just being “useless” or “Worthless” like how I told myself. After the countless self-hatred for the past 3 years, I knew I needed to change and I knew I needed to bring myself back up to my old self.
Of course, we now reach to today. I take that quote from years back and try to remember it but, I put it in a better life, instead of taking it at full face value I use it to try and better myself, almost to tell low self-esteem self that I can be someone, someone small or big I can be someone who can actually give worth. Of course I do relapse a lot as shown by when I’m handing this homework since I am still lazy but, I try my best everyday to try and fix that even if it’s baby steps. Even though it shouldn’t be prioritized but one way I’ve tried to improve throughout the years is slowly getting back into the hobbies I once cherished slowly, which did slowly bring me more motivation and confidence back in my work. Another way I try to improve myself is that I always put the peak of my motivation towards whatever I am working on, such as this homework right now as it definitely motivated me more to just be able to talk about how I feel. Other things I will try to implement and I’ll try to keep on track with is to get homework in more on time, probably before the deadline would be the best and to also try and not stress myself too much to where I’ll end up going back to square one.
I push to try and make myself feel like somebody instead of a nobody almost everyday and I’ll keep trying for my entire college life. The first few days might’ve tarnished slightly but, I am a bit more confident in myself in being able to step back up into being the good kid I was years before the pandemic. This is a bit of a long journey for me but, I know the light at the end of this journey will be worth it so I’m willing to work to it, no matter how long it is. I am somebody and I won’t let old self tell me otherwise.
