I have never been the type of person to do well with my education. The time I had the worst grades and most obstacles faced would be during elementary school. In elementary school I had the worst grades, the worst focus, and never really had anything higher then a 75. Then came middle school where towards the end of 8th grade my grades were going up and down constantly. It wasn’t stable. As a teacher once told my mom “In one test his grades are at the top and in the next his grades are at the bottom.” My teacher at the time even showed a chart which looked like a electrocardiogram from a patient at a hospital. But then high school came where my grades suddenly changed from the bottom to the top. The reason I’d say why is because of martial arts, to be precise Muay Thai.
In middle school I was training in boxing twice a week and when I trained in it I found my grades to sometimes make it which had never happened before. Then in high school I trained in Muay Thai. A martial art similar to kickboxing. At first I trained 3 days a week and my grades were stable at 75 -80. Then I trained 5 times a week and my grades would increase from a range of 75-80 to an 80-90. Finally I went 6 times a week and increased the difficulty of said classes then my grades were constantly at 90 and above. The training saved my education. The reason why was focus. Training in this martial art taught me several things and helped me focus better. With this better focus, I was able to pay attention much better compared to before. My confidence had also rose which in class also allowed me to participate not caring whether I was right or wrong. Not caring whether I would be made fun of for giving the wrong answer. At the end I found several different changes. I found myself enjoying school more than before because I also had achieved something. And these achievements made me want to achieve more. This feeling of accomplishment made me try. In the end there weren’t really any skills that I gained besides focus. I found out that If I focus I can learn something very quick rather than slow.
LATE HW!
Chris —
Notice that you are just telling me. Instead, you need to SHOW me, not just tell me.
Think back on the scene of Malcolm X learning to read in the light of the hallway while the night guards were on watch. You need to insert a few well-chosen scenes to make this piece of writing come alive. Reach back into your memory to find the best scenes that could take your reader there to the Muay Thai gym, to that single best memory of a time when you achieved something at the gym and then also at the school and when an achievement at school was directly related to your new mindset or some skill you could carry over from the Muay Thai gym. Create THEATER of the MIND for your reader. You need to make your writing interesting and exciting. Work on
SO here I insert a few suggestions:
I have never been the type of person to do well with my education. The time [WHEN? WHAT grade?I had the worst grades and most obstacles faced would be during elementary school. In elementary school I had the worst grades, the worst focus, and never really had anything higher then a 75. Then came middle school where towards the end of 8th grade my grades were going up and down constantly. It wasn’t stable. As a teacher once told my mom “In one test his grades are at the top and in the next his grades are at the bottom.” My teacher at the time even showed a chart which looked like a[n]electrocardiogram from a patient at a hospital. [funny! A bit more on this? How did you feel? What did you mom say? Looking back, can you explain this wildly varying academic performance?]
But then high school came where my grades suddenly changed from the bottom to the top. The reason I’d say why is because of martial arts, to be precise Muay Thai. In middle school I was training in boxing twice a week and when I trained in it I found my grades to sometimes make it which had never happened before [huh? UNCLEAR sentence]
Then in high school I trained in Muay Thai. A martial art similar to kickboxing. At first I trained 3 days a week and my grades were stable at 75 -80. Then I trained 5 times a week and my grades would increase from a range of 75-80 to an 80-90. Finally I went 6 times a week and increased the difficulty of said classes then my grades were constantly at 90 and above. [Can you give us a scene of what the Muay Thai boxing gym class was like? AND ALSO–Can you dramatize this part, this steady upward incline of your school grades in connection with increasing your practice sessions per week? It sounds counterintuitive/ironic that the more time you spent at Muay Thai, the more your academic performance improved.]
The training saved my education. The reason why was focus. Training in this martial art taught me several things and helped me focus better. [SHOW me a scene with you learning to focus better at your Muay Thai practice. What specific Muay Thai skill/drill/act were you learning? What were you doing? What clicked in your mind? How was your mindset changed?] With this better focus, I was able to pay attention much better compared to before. My confidence had also rose which in class also allowed me to participate not caring whether I was right or wrong. Not caring whether I would be made fun of for giving the wrong answer.
At the end I found several different changes [Which are?]. I found myself enjoying school more than before because I also had achieved something [because you achieved in MThai??] And these achievements made me want to achieve more. This feeling of accomplishment made me try. In the end there weren’t really any skills that I gained besides focus. I found out that If I focus I can learn something very quick rather than slow. [OK now explain or SHOW me HOW exactly the MThai focus lesson transferred to an achievement in school. Connect to your best memory of a school achievement, of learning something more “quick” -ly as you say, that is directly related to MThai]