Throughout my educational journey up to 12th grade, I would say High School was the most challenging for me. It is a period in my life where I was transitioning from a teenager to an adult, discovering withing myself, and figuring out my purpose. There were so many paths to take, things to try, in amid of everything going on in my personal life along with the challenges I faced educationally, I felt lost. Being in an educational environment where everything occurred between two floors only, after-school activities and clubs were limited. I felt distinctive, I felt like I could not relate to anyone or interact with people with the same interests as me.
It all felt like an endless miserable cycle, the most I would do at the time is hangout in Sherry-Ann’s office, the social worker at the high school and help her around the school. In the beginning of 10th grade, Sherry-Ann told me about the Teen Activist Project at the NYCLU. She thought it would be a great fit for me since it was a paid internship and was in the law field which at the time was my interest. After researching the program, I took the initiative to apply even though my chances were exceptionally low since their acceptance was only 15 kids from around the city. While that factor lowered my enthusiasm, I stood by my favorite quote from my childhood book “Wait a little while and the fruit will fall into your hand. You must be patient” (Muñoz Ryan, Pam, Esperanza Rising, Scholastic Publishing, 2000). After rounds of interviews, letters of recommendation, and essays later, I was one of the 15 kids part of the Teen Activist Program who met every Monday in the afternoon in the financial district of Manhattan.
The shy girl who came from an unknown school in the Bronx had somehow stood out in the group of hundreds of kids applying to the program. It felt like since that moment I had to demonstrate my potential. I spent the next 3 years undertaking being a leader and organizer on civil rights and civil liberties. I along with my colleagues spent educating and working on a range of advocacy issues such as immigrant rights, school to prison pipeline, LGBTQ rights, religion, and freedom of speech. It was a whole different world to me once I stepped foot in the office, it was a place where I could discuss with other youth about problems impacting my community and what can be done. I made friendships with people who motivated me and helped me become the best version of me yet. In that time, I learned how to speak for myself, speak in front of an audience, be a mentor but most importantly leadership. I loved how in this program I was able to freely speak on issues without being judged because of my ethnicity. More importantly, I enjoyed the impact we made in the community by facilitating workshops to educate residents on their rights in case they are stopped and frisked, help organize rallies, protest monitor and much more.
Obtaining all these skills I was able to translate them into my school performance by advocating for myself. I was able to participate in class more confidently because I was no longer afraid of speaking. It was a skill I would have never thought I had; I went from mumbling when asked to speak by the teacher to being the host of my school’s news channel. While it may seem like a minor accomplishment, to me it was a major thing seeing my face broadcasted around the school updating them on the latest news of the week. Being part of the Teen Activist Project changed my perspective academically and overall in life. I came to value how fortunate I was to have access and be educated on these topics which unfortunately many kids from low-income neighborhoods did not have access to. It helped me stay on track for the next 3 years in high school, helped me network with amazing people but lastly it saved me from being the shy girl who felt distinctive with no purpose to a girl who was no longer afraid of speaking and advocating.
Wow Odalys – This has potential to be an amazing story! But you have to turn it into a story. A story with drama, suspense, scenes from your memory of the key moments in this internship-adventure that saved you.
Work on:
· Paragraph breaks. Your reader will NOT want to read these HUGE blocks of text! It’s super hard on the eyes. New topic = new paragraph.
· Developing a few well chosen scenes with dialogue and description.
· TIMELINE – some gaps and jumps making it hard to follow the timeline.
Throughout my educational journey up to 12th grade, I would say High School was the most challenging for me. It is a period in my life where I was transitioning from a teenager to an adult, discovering withing myself, and figuring out my purpose. [this part is vague – what paths?] There were so many paths to take, things to try, in amid of everything [WHAT events? Personal/school/family?] going on in my personal life along with the challenges[WHAT?] I faced educationally, I felt lost. Being in an educational environment [are you describing the high school’s physical space was limited – this was a tiny school? What was the name of your high school?] where everything occurred between two floors only, after-school activities and clubs were limited. I felt distinctive [WHY distinctive? Right word?], I felt like I could not relate to anyone or interact with people with the same interests as me. [Need a better intro that hooks your reader in!]
SUGGESTION TO START HERE —
My senior year at NAME High School in the Bronx (where?) felt like an endless miserable cycle, the most I would do at the time is hangout in Sherry-Ann’s office, the social worker at the high school and help her around the school. I was [describe the shy quiet un-confidant you that was in 10th grade hanging out in the counselor’s office — so that — you can show the change in you, the growth in you]. In the beginning of 10th grade, Sherry-Ann told me about the Teen Activist Project at the NYCLU [stands for???]. She thought it would be a great fit for me since it was a paid internship and was in the law field which at the time was my interest. After researching the program, I took the initiative to apply even though my chances were exceptionally low since their acceptance was only 15 kids from around the city. While that factor lowered my enthusiasm, [cut –I stood by my] a quote from my favorite childhood book Esperanza Rising echoed in my mind, “Wait a little while and the fruit will fall into your hand. You must be patient.” [need a transition here to this exciting unepected fantastic result that you are accepted!] After rounds of interviews, letters of recommendation, and essays later, I was one of the 15 kids part of the Teen Activist Program who met every Monday in the afternoon in the financial district of Manhattan.
The shy girl who came from an unknown school in the Bronx had somehow stood out in the group of hundreds of kids applying to the program. It felt like since that moment I had to demonstrate my potential. I spent the next 3 years undertaking being a leader and organizer on civil rights and civil liberties. I along with my colleagues spent educating and working on a range of advocacy issues such as immigrant rights, school to prison pipeline, LGBTQ rights, religion, and freedom of speech. It was a whole different world to me once I stepped foot in the office, it was a place where I could discuss with other youth about problems impacting my community and what can be done. I made friendships with people who motivated me and helped me become the best version of me yet. In that time, I learned how to speak for myself, speak in front of an audience, be a mentor but most importantly leadership. [Here — CAN YOU CREATE a scene of your best memory of the time you finally overcame your shyness and spoke well infront of an audience? What was that event? What was your speaking part? How had you prepared? How were you feeling before you went to the podium?] I loved how in this program I was able to freely speak on issues without being judged because of my ethnicity [WHICH is? You never tell me!!] . More importantly, I enjoyed the impact we made in the community by facilitating workshops to educate residents on their rights in case they are stopped and frisked, help organize rallies, protest monitor and much more. [give some examples of workshop topics/names that you worked on. Can you show us how you became an advocate for a particular issue?]
Obtaining all these skills I was able to translate them into my school performance by advocating for myself. I was able to participate in class more confidently because I was no longer afraid of speaking. It was a skill I would have never thought I had; I went from mumbling when asked to speak by the teacher to being the host of my school’s news channel [Yayy – wonderful! NOW can you SHOW me that school news show? Describe the project and your part in making a news show – make it exciting because it is – you need to SHOW ME]. While it may seem like a minor accomplishment, to me it was a major thing seeing my face broadcasted around the school updating them on the latest news of the week.
[is this possibly a closing paragraph in a larger piece?] Being part of the Teen Activist Project changed my perspective academically and overall in life. I came to value how fortunate I was to have access and be educated on these topics which unfortunately many kids from low-income neighborhoods did not have access to. It helped me stay on track for the next 3 years in high school, helped me network with amazing people but lastly it saved me from being the shy girl who felt distinctive with no purpose to a girl who was no longer afraid of speaking and advocating. [Describe the confidant student or leader you are today.]
Ifyou choose to develop this into your Ed Narrative, possible title: Shy Girl No Longer!
Thank you Prof.Wu for the feedback, will work on it!