During the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, I had fallen into the routine of avoiding school and ignoring all my schoolwork. I had felt as if I had lost all motivation and drive, I even had friends try to encourage me to do better in school. One of my good friends Aldo had suggested I join the school Wrestling team. Aldo was the type of person who had all the motivation I had wished to have, so I decided to follow him as he had encouraged me so vigorously. When I first started, I was clueless about how the sport worked, right away I became welcomed into the community, and my teammates helped me develop the physical and mental focus needed for practicing and competing. With each practice, I learned the importance of encouraging myself during hard moments as the sport was incredibly stressful for the mind & body. Wrestling gave me something to look forward to after school. As a rule, it was required for me to pass all my classes and come to practice every day, I knew right then I had the path to success given to me.
Through the two years of being on the wrestling team, I spent a lot of time working on my personal qualities. I learned to build a relationship with my body, one that was understanding and led me to stay active even to this day. The combat and sportsmanship helped me become calm under stress, through all the physical and mental struggles while competing, I kept a positive and hopeful mindset. Having a hopeful mindset aided in my search for optimism each day. And as I put more effort into all areas of the school, I got closer to my teachers and wrestling coach as he was very kind & compassionate and cared for all of us. Wrestling helped me develop discipline and perseverance, especially when I was close to giving up. When I overcame the obstacles in the sport it allowed me to better handle other obstacles in my life, allowing me to do what is necessary in order to succeed.
OK this is a start, but — Notice that you are doing a lot of telling me; instead, you need to SHOW me! Remember the scene of Malcolm X learning to read in the light of the hallway while the night guards were on watch. You need to insert a few well-chosen scenes to make this piece of writing come alive. Reach back into your memory to find the best scenes that could take your reader there to that time you found wrestling saved you. Create THEATER of the MIND for your reader. Make your writing interesting and exciting.
SO I add a few suggestions inserted here —
During the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, I had fallen into the routine of avoiding school and ignoring all my schoolwork. I had felt as if I had lost all motivation and drive, I even had friends try to encourage me to do better in school. [DESCRIBE exactly what this routine was. Give a few details to let your reader SEE you avoiding/ignoring. WHAT were you doing or not doing? SHOW me how you were acting in a “lost all motivation and drive” moment. SHOW me; DON’T JUST TELL me.]
One of my good friends Aldo had suggested I join the school Wrestling team. Aldo was the type of person who had all the motivation I had wished to have [give LIST of his actions that show motivation], so I decided to follow him as he had encouraged me so vigorously. [possible place to create a scene of your first day on the wrestling team – THINK of Colin Powell’s first day at City College. SHOW me the community of athletes: WHO? WHAT did the gym look like? HOW did you feel? Take me there to see, feel all that you saw and felt.] When I first started, I was clueless about how the sport worked, right away I became welcomed into the community, and my teammates helped me develop the physical and mental focus needed for practicing and competing. With each practice, I learned the importance of encouraging myself during hard moments as the sport was incredibly stressful for the mind & body. Wrestling gave me something to look forward to after school. As a rule, it was required for me to pass all my classes and come to practice every day, I knew right then I had the path to success given to me.
Through the two years of being on the wrestling team, I spent a lot of time working on my personal qualities. I learned to build a relationship with my body, one that was understanding and led me to stay active even to this day. The combat and sportsmanship helped me become calm under stress, through all the physical and mental struggles while competing [Is there a competition moment that taught you something big? If yes, SHOW me in a well-developed scene with good description] , I kept a positive and hopeful mindset. [WHAT was that new mindset/way of thinking – AND how did this apply to your school life? Remember this is an EDUCATION narrative.] Having a hopeful mindset aided in my search for optimism each day. And as I put more effort into all areas of the school [Is there an example of one class that you really applied wrestling perspective to succeed in schoolwork? Can you transfer your learning in wrestling to learning in the classroom?] I got closer to my teachers and wrestling coach as he was very kind & compassionate and cared for all of us. Wrestling helped me develop discipline and perseverance, especially when I was close to giving up. When I overcame the obstacles in the sport it allowed me to better handle other obstacles in my life, allowing me to do what is necessary in order to succeed.
(I revised my homework as I’m interested in hearing feedback on how to write a more interesting narrative.)
During the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, I had fallen into the routine of avoiding school and ignoring all my schoolwork. I had felt as if I had lost all motivation and drive, each day I’d nod off and put no effort into each class, and I was miserable. One of my good friends Aldo had suggested I join the school Wrestling team. Aldo was the type of person who had all the motivation I had wished to have, very often I’d hear from teachers how well he did, and he would encourage others the same way he would encourage himself. On my first day of wrestling practice, I was clueless about how the sport worked. Despite my cluelessness, I was welcomed into the community; my teammates helped me develop the physical and mental focus needed for practicing and competing. The wrestling room was a repurposed dance room, affixed with matting on the floor and walls, with past championships decorating the walls. I felt a sense of excitement and adrenaline fill my body, each practice onward I built upon my knowledge of the sport and eventually became a competent wrestler. Wrestling gave me something to look forward to after school. As was told to me the first day by the coach, it was required for me to pass all my classes and come to practice every day, I knew right then I had the path to success given to me.
Through the two years of being on the wrestling team, I spent a lot of time working on my personal qualities. I learned to build a relationship with my body, one that was understanding and led me to stay active even to this day. The combat and sportsmanship helped me become calm under stress, through all the physical and mental struggles while competing. Each tournament was a tide of adrenaline and focus, and that feeling would carry over to my first loss. I had been submitted under 30 seconds, and though it felt devastating, my team taught me there’s no shame in losing, the only shame is giving up and not trying my best to be better. With this newly acquired wisdom, I began to put more effort into school, I got especially good at math as I felt the precision necessary to solve problems carried over from a familiar concept in wrestling. Wrestling helped me develop discipline and perseverance when I was close to giving up, especially when I felt as if there was no hope. When I overcame the obstacles in the sport it allowed me to better handle other obstacles in school, knowing that giving wouldn’t help me become better, I know putting in the effort is necessary in order to succeed.