The biggest challenging moment in my life was when I broke my ankle. A few years back in my freshman year of high school, I decided to play basketball as I would do every day. But today was different for several reasons, one being I wasn’t in the right shoes or clothes for a gym class. I had on a pair of blue jeans and a pair of black and white Vans checkered skate shoes. For two I didn’t know anyone in my new school, and to make matters worse this was only the third day of school. Furthermore, my life changed entirely this day. Everything around me just stopped for a minute as my body hit the hardwood floor. I started to try to get up but my body wouldn’t let me. Before you know it I was begging my gym teacher for help. All she would say is “get up”. I told her I couldn’t get up and asked if anyone could help me get up to go to the nurse’s office. She began to blow her whistle and everyone just stopped and then looked at me while two nurses come running through the doors with a wheelchair. As I’m in the nurse’s office one of the nurses start to look at my leg and start to move it around. I began to cry in pain. Later on, they allowed me to get my phone back and call my mom. My mom wasn’t able to go and pick me up and I was waiting for hours for my aunt to come to get me and bring me home.
A day later we go to the hospital to get a doctor’s opinion on my ankle. They made me get x-rays and concluded that I had a grade 4 ankle sprain and gave me crutches and a splint. That made me think even harder about the whole situation. I began to think about how am I going to go back to school after being so embarrassed or if would I ever be able to walk again. I went in for another check-up a week later and they told me I’m going to need surgery. That meant I had to be disabled for even longer than I was anticipating. After four delays I had 3 months just waiting for a surgery date to open. I missed so many days of school and it didn’t get any better just staying home all day. All I did was play video games and watch tv. As you can imagine my grades were terrible and the teachers thought I was just not going to school at all. So I began to go to school with my crutches and take the train to get to school since my mom wasn’t able to take me. The principal would give me tons of homework for the week and I began to do them little by little every week. Leading up to my surgery I took a cab to the hospital and was extremely nervous about the whole situation since I’m already scared of needles and the idea of someone having to open up my body to put metal support around my ankles was even scarier to me. But after 3 months of physical therapy, it was an extreme challenge to overcome. Not only could I not walk but I wasn’t able to do daily tasks such as wash dishes or even making myself food as I wasn’t allowed to put pressure on my ankle. But in the end, this struggle is what made me what I am today and I don’t think without perseverance and patience it wouldn’t have been possible.
I’m so sorry to hear about your ankle but i’m glad to hear you were able to persevere no matter the challenges you came across. It’s really impressive.
Sorry about your ankle.
Edwin:
What you write here is NOT about an activity that saved you. Instead it seems like you are starting a story about being resilient. However if it is in fact a story about resilience, where is the part where you show me your resilience? Where is the part where you show me what actions or what mindset you learned that allowed you to be resilient and survive this difficult time of having a broken ankle and falling behind in school?
This is interesting and I see this is an important event for you. You’ve written about this before. It could be the beginning of a good essay. But first work on:
· Paragraph breaks. Your reader will NOT want to read these HUGE blocks of text! It’s super hard on the eyes.
· Developing in a few well chosen scenes with dialogue and description.
· TIMELINE – some gaps and jumps making it hard to follow the timeline.
Notice places where you are only telling me. Intead you must SHOW me with a few well chosen scenes of that show your resilience in bouncing back to school. This was a hard struggle to regain your physical strength and mobility. How did you keep up in a NEW school? As a new student, how did you start or regain your social standing/make friends with the new school mates?
[cut –The biggest challenging moment in my life was when I broke my ankle. A few years back in my freshman year of high school, I decided to play basketball as I would do every day. – cut]
A GOOD PLACE TO DEVELOP A SCENE. Start with:
I was in gym class at [WHAT name?] High School. But today was different for several reasons, one being I wasn’t in the right shoes or clothes for a gym class. I had on a pair of blue jeans and a pair of black and white Vans checkered skate shoes. For two, I didn’t know anyone in my new school, and to make matters worse this was only the third day of school. [What grade? WHEN – September? Beginning of the school year?] [cut-Furthermore-cut] My life changed entirely this day.
[new par] [WHAT basketball move were you doing? HOW did the wrong shoes or WHAT mis-step did you make to land on the ground? Explain a bit here.] Everything around me just stopped for a minute as my body hit the hardwood floor I started to try to get up but my body wouldn’t let me. Before you know it I was begging my gym teacher for help. [good]. All she would say is, “Get up!” [Did she take away your phone as a punitative measure? WHEN is your phone taken?]
[new par for new speaker] I told her, “I can’t get up” and asked [Really, you had to ask to your new classmates who you did not know? Give your exact words.] if anyone could help me get up to go to the nurse’s office.
She began to blow her whistle and everyone just stopped and then looked at me while two nurses come running through the doors with a wheelchair. [HOW did you feel with all eyes on you?]
As I’m in the nurse’s office one of the nurses start to look at my leg and start to move it around. I began to cry in pain. Later on, they allowed me to get my phone back and call my mom. My mom wasn’t able to go and pick me up and I was waiting for hours for my aunt to come to get me and bring me home. [DESCRIBE your pain – that’s a long time to wait when you are injured? Where were you? Principal’s office? Nurse’s room? DETAILS needed. Make it dramatic! Create theatre of the mind for your reader!]
A day later we go to the hospital to get a doctor’s opinion on my ankle. They made me get x-rays and concluded that I had a grade 4 ankle sprain and gave me crutches and a splint. That made me think even harder about the whole situation. I began to think about how am I going to go back to school after being so embarrassed or if would I ever be able to walk again. [Did you decide to stay home while waiting for the follow up check up. What were the thoughts of being embarrassed – give exact words and quote as if talking to yourself.]. I went in for another check-up a week later and they told me I’m going to need surgery. That meant I had to be disabled for even longer than I was anticipating. After four delays I had 3 months just waiting for a surgery date to open.
I missed so many days [HOW many days?? And Wait a minute you said 3 months – were you NOT in school for 3 months?] of school and it didn’t get any better just staying home all day. All I did was play video games and watch tv. As you can imagine my grades were terrible and the teachers thought I was just not going to school at all. [NEED DETAILS ABOUT YOUR failing at school life? So many question here: Why didn’t the teacher know you were injured – it happened at school? Didn’t they contact you with HW assignments? Explain the miscommunication and the resulting bad situation you were in with classes. AGAIN stress the TIMELINE – it was beginning of the year.] So I began to go to school with my crutches and take the train to get to school since my mom wasn’t able to take me. The principal would give me tons of homework for the week and I began to do them little by little every week. [HERE SHOW HOW you did it – HOW did you do it “little by little” – Be descriptive. SHOW steps. SHOW yourself practicing resilience. SHOW your mindset change.]
[new par]Leading up to my surgery I took a cab to the hospital and was extremely nervous about the whole situation since I’m already scared of needles and the idea of someone having to open up my body to put metal support around my ankles was even scarier to me. But after 3 months of physical therapy, it was an extreme challenge to overcome. Not only could I not walk but I wasn’t able to do daily tasks such as wash dishes or even making myself food as I wasn’t allowed to put pressure on my ankle. But in the end, this struggle [THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO FOCUS MORE ON—WHAT STRUGGLES? WHAT NEW ways of thinking or of doing things and most importantly HOW did you stay in school and finish the year – AGAIN WHAT grade were you in? SHOW me the best example of a class that was the hardest to catch up and how you did it? You had to find a way to work through recovery and keep up with school, so HOW did you do it? You don’t SHOW me and this is where the story should be focused on.] is what made me what I am today and I don’t think without perseverance and patience it wouldn’t have been possible.