Going to a new high school in the middle of my school year was a challenging moment in my educational journey. I never liked switching schools but this time I had to after grade 10 because my parents got transferred to a different state to work. I found it difficult to fit in, and I was labeled the new girl which I hated. I missed my friends at my old school a lot and I did not have any friends and that made me devastated and angry to even be in this situation.
One Saturday morning, I decided to take a walk to get to know my surroundings and ended up seeing a group of girls playing volleyball on the volleyball court. I started imagining myself playing in competitions and wondered if I would ever be able to play as well as them at the same time, I was also thinking about the fact that I was not tall enough. Even though I was thinking about a lot of reasons why I would not be a great fit, I felt that joining the volleyball team would be a great start for me in making friends and no longer being labeled as the new girl. I ended up deciding to try out for the volleyball team and to my surprise, I made the team. Every day after my assignments and everything else I had to do I went for team practice. I started getting better and my teammates would always correct me when I was doing something wrong and encourage me. My teammates and I started becoming remarkably close and ended up doing everything together. This was the start of something special to me that brought me happiness and made me feel accepted.
I was never used to putting my full trust in others but when I joined the volleyball team, I knew I had to change that because there is no teamwork without trust. Putting my trust in my teammates helped me display my strength to score points and win as a team, which was one thing I loved about this sport. To play in competitions I had to have good academic standards so being part of the team also helped me work hard to maintain good grades. In this process, I discovered the ability to be committed, cooperative, coordinated, focused, and flexible. Joining the volleyball team helped me find supportive and caring friends. Playing volleyball helped me strengthen my mind, improve my social skills, and gave me balance. It gave me a lot of positive energy that helped build my social skills and self-confidence. This was the best decision I had ever made.
I agree school sports are a powerful tool when wanting to improve.
Good start, Bithiah. This could be the beginning of a good story! Now–Choose a few places where you can insert a scene. Remember you are trying to create theatre of the mind for your reader. Take your reader there — Make your writing come alive! Make it interesting.
I point out a few place where you can develop a scene. ALSO pls make paragraph breaks:
Going to a new high school in the middle of my school year was a challenging moment in my educational journey. I never liked switching schools but this time [When?] I had to after grade 10 because my parents got transferred to a different state to work [In what state were you living? To where did you move?]. I found it difficult to fit in, and I was labeled the new girl [use italics] which I hated. I missed my friends at my old school a lot and I did not have any friends and that made me devastated and angry to even be in this situation.
One Saturday morning, I decided to take a walk to get to know my surroundings and ended up seeing a group of girls playing volleyball on the volleyball court [Where? At school yard? Neighborhood park? Details? – THINK and LOOK BACK at the details Colin Powell gave us for his first day walking onto City College campus and try to do the same.]
[DESCRIBE THE SCENE – Set up the setting for your story! What did the girls and the volleyball court and school yard look like? How were they moving? Was it obvious they were working like a team, like friends? Something that you were looking for?]
A lot of different thoughts were going through my head. I started imagining, “What if I could play that sport and even compete on a team?” Then I wondered, “Would I ever be able to play as well as those girls?” At the same time I started to have doubts, “But I am not tall enough to be really good at volleyball.” Even though I was thinking about a lot of reasons why I would not be a great fit, I felt that joining the volleyball team would be a great start for me in making friends and no longer being labeled as the new girl.
I ended up deciding to try out for the volleyball team and to my surprise, I made the team. [ADD DETAILS! As soon as you found out the good news — How did you feel? Did the other girls start right away being accepting to you?]
Every day after my assignments and everything else I had to do I went for team practice. I started getting better and my teammates would always correct me when I was doing something wrong and encourage me. My teammates and I started becoming remarkably close and ended up doing everything together [SUCH AS WHAT?]. This was the start of something special to me that brought me happiness and made me feel accepted.
I was never used to putting my full trust in others but when I joined the volleyball team, I knew I had to change that because there is no teamwork without trust. Putting my trust in my teammates helped me display my strength to score points and win as a team, which was one thing I loved about this sport. [Perhaps you can SHOW a scene of winning a point in a game and how trusting teammates made all the difference.]
[new par] To play in competitions I had to have good academic standards so being part of the team also helped me work hard to maintain good grades. [ANY DETAILS HERE about your improvement in school? WHAT skills did you learn in volleyball that transferred over to school? Connect volleyball to school.]
[Here notice you are just telling me. Instead, you need to SHOW me with details or with a scene and dialogue.] In this process, I discovered the ability to be committed, cooperative, coordinated, focused, and flexible. Joining the volleyball team helped me find supportive and caring friends. [Any friend in particular that you admired and you want to highlight in a paragraph? Remember how Colin Powell had a paragraph on Ronnie Brooks, brilliant student and Pershing Rifles officer.] Playing volleyball helped me strengthen my mind, improve my social skills, and gave me balance. It gave me a lot of positive energy that helped build my social skills and self-confidence. This was the best decision I had ever made.
Try to make connections to your improved school life or school performance. REmember this is an education narrative. Suggestion: Look at Colin Powell to see what he did in tying ROTC to school in his story.