“Valon I know you are young and want to have fun just like everyone else, but what should be more important to you is receiving a college degree. You are ahead of your age since you’ve always been working but do you want to work for the rest of your life making how much you do now? If you don’t use your time wisely while you’re young, later on you’ll feel sorry for yourself”.
Throughout my life I have always looked up to my Uncle for many reasons, a few of those reasons are the fact that he had come to this country with less than a few dollars in his pockets, no change of clothes, no place of his own to sleep in, not knowing how to speak English, and the list of hardship goes on. He had completely started from nothing and turned it into something. Since the beginning of my memory all the way until today, my uncle has always been trying to set examples for me and help me understand the importance of life, and what should or shouldn’t be valued.
As I was just a little kid, there were times where i found his words to be insulting towards me. I would always think to myself that maybe he’s just picking on me, or even upset with me. As I began to grow up i started to realize that he is doing all this because he wants me to be the best version of myself and for my family. He also wants me to be better than him and accomplish more than what i think I am capable of. The quote I provided has impacted me in such ways to where I realized that I was limiting myself and not using the opportunities I had been given, by being satisfied from how much I made this night or that week. I began to only focus on work and the money I was making which distracted me from focusing on my educational journey and moving forward to college. College was never an option for my uncle and knows it is going to assist me in finding a stable job/career which will all pay off eventually. My Uncle frequently brought me along with him to work to show me how difficult it is to make a living, he would work until he physically couldn’t anymore and repeat. This has taught me that nothing will come easy in life without putting in the work. Now that I have a better understanding of what he went through to get to where he is now, I can’t thank him enough for always being on my shoulder to guide me onto the right path.
The life lessons my uncle has taught me, are what I use now that I am a college student. I have learned to be independent in many ways, he has taught me that others could care less about what I may be going through, so in order to strive I have to be my own tool and keep pushing myself to the next level, he always emphasized on the importance of time. Its very crucial to me to enhance my focus while i’m still young so that I can be in the position I aspire to be in later in life. I am learning to prioritize my health, level of education, and my future as well because of the pressure my uncle put amongst me since a young age.
Ok you begin with a quote that’s good. But you do a lot of TELLING. Instead you need to SHOW your reader.
After starting with the quote, you need to follow up with explain when where why how, the 5 W’s — SO —
When did your uncle say this to you? on WHAT occasion? What was the reason he said this — What was happening in your life at that moment? WHERE were you when he said this… Set up the scene and SHOW me the moment in time when this was said to you.
OK instead of a long section telling me what your uncle said, SHOW me. For example, show me that scene of your uncle taking you to work to see him on the job. You write: “he would work until he physically couldn’t anymore and repeat.” Now SHOW me that scene. Describe his repetiitive tasks and his tiredness.
Explain with details WHAT kind of job you had at this time. You say you were satisified with earning money, so Describe how your were satisfied at that time with having job and enjoying earning money. How can you show the reader your happiness/satisfaction of having money from a job. HOW much were you earning? Since you mention it but you don’t give the detail to make it sink in for your reader — a teen earning this much money — wouldn’t you be happy?
YOu want to turn this into a story, a narrative. Not just telling me. but SHOWING me by creating theatre of the mind. Take the reader there to that moment in your memory when your uncle said these words. That time when he took you to his worksite. That time when you were happy just having a job and feeling satisfied with yourself.
THis could be a story of the time you decided that working was not enough; you needed to start a college career.
I suggest making an outline to plan out what you will cover to tell this story. What is this story about? THe time when my uncle’s words made me see that I needed to push myself further than just having a job (What job were you working? DETAILS) but that I needed to go on to college. So in otherwords, was this a time when you were at a critical crossroad of your life?
IN your outline you could have. asection where you will write about your uncle and the hardships he faced, and with the lesson he is trying to give you. YOu can pay tribute to him as an important MENTOR in your life. How have his words echoed in your life at other imortant points of yoru educational journey? WHat other points in your educational life? REMEMBER: THe focus is on YOU.