While English was not my first language and being diagnosed with a learning disability made me feel distinct, I still had done good academic wise. For most of grade school up to 12th grade, I had been mostly in honor roll. Excelling academically during high school was a necessity as my only goal was to be given a full ride scholarship to SUNY. The bar was high, and the pressure was intense as the only thing I desired was to make my parents proud and show them that their sacrifice of migrating to this country was paying off. I had done every extracurricular activity there was and volunteered hours just so I can have a chance at qualifying for the big scholarships. I still reminisce about all the late nights I stood up doing studying, doing homework with the flimsy lamp my dad had gotten from his job, trying to type quietly on my laptop as my brother slept, while constantly tapping my leg to help me stay focused. All my effort had borne fruit, I had everything planned out, I had secured scholarships to cover the cost of tuition and dorm. I was set, I was fulfilling the “American dream.” The only thing left was to commit and sign off before going on winter break. A week before winter break my mother had unexpectedly fallen ill one night, I would have never thought I would be in the predicament of choosing between my family or my academic journey. My mom’s health had worsened, and she ended up being intubated in a coma. My world was falling apart, I was doing so good, everything was so good, “what had I done to deserve this?” is what I asked myself while sitting in the ICU’s waiting room.
While the staff at my high school tried to sympathize with the pain I was dwelling on, they were persistent in me signing because they had also invested time and effort into this. How could I be in the right state of mind to sign on to a commitment of 4-years when I did not even know if my mom was going to make it. I felt defeated, devastated, and disoriented. How could I leave my family when they most needed me? Without hesitation I chose my family and sadly had to decline a 4-year full ride scholarship. Four years of arduous work thrown out the window. My dream of finally going away was gone. Academically wise it was a tough decision because I had to put a pause into my studies, before studying was my only worry. In the blink of an eye, I had now the responsibility of an adult who had to step up and take care of her family and home. I started lacking while still in high school and managing between being a teenager during school hours and an adult at home having to take care of everyone was exhausting. Fastforward, almost 4 years later my mother recovered but at times I dwelle on what could have been for my academic journey if I had left. While I did not go to college after graduating, I still tried to figure out my academic journey by completing various trade programs. I was building up the courage to give college another try but was afraid I had lost the passion of being a full-time student. The decision to choose my family over myself and my academic journey was a blessing in disguise, it pushed me forward to find out my career path and priorities in life. I was able to learn about myself and capabilities, by being hands on and maintaining discipline. The downfall is I became too hard on myself. However, since the hardship I learned how to value life, do what my heart desires and not what others want. It made me realize that in my academic journey I indeed did not want to major in criminal justice but instead in hospitality management. It pushed me forward to keep on going and begin from nothing no matter the situation because I was given another opportunity for my mother to witness her daughter flourish. In sum, I know what it is to start from nothing which is why I am now more spontaneous and not afraid to start over.Â
I hope your mother is still all good. Your story is really heartbreaking, I had to go through a similar experience back before I started high school. I was taken away from my mother and put into foster care for a while until my dad helped me. But by then I was devastated about how I was taken away from my mother.
Sorry to hear about the situation you had been dealing with and the health of your mother, my situation is similar to yours in a way where i’ve grown up my whole life aiding for my father who is disabled. The health of our parents has definitely touched in ways others wont understand, up until this day its hard for me speak upon this situation with others outside of my family to explain what goes but i use it as the fuel to my fire and its gonna be lit until i make my father proud and am able to provide the world to him.
Odalys: I really like what you wrote! This is a heartfelt story and feels so true and sincere. I hope things are better with Mom’s health now. If you are comfortable with examining these feelings of fear for her well-being, disappointment for your college dreams, and more introspection — this could be the basis of a good story.
NOW – let’s slow down and give some places where you can develop or elaborate:
[save and/or move somewhere else] While English was not my first language and being diagnosed with a learning disability made me feel distinct, I still had done good academic wise.
[START HERE]. For most of grade school up to 12th grade, I had been mostly in honor roll. Excelling academically during high school [NAME of hs] was a necessity as my only goal was to be given a full ride scholarship to SUNY. The bar was high, and the pressure was intense as the only thing I desired was to make my parents proud and show them that their sacrifice of migrating to this country [FROM WHERE] was paying off.
I had done every extracurricular activity there was [name some] and volunteered hours just so I can have a chance at qualifying for the big scholarships. I still reminisce about all the late nights I stood up doing studying, doing homework with the flimsy lamp my dad had gotten from his job, trying to type quietly on my laptop as my brother slept, while constantly tapping my leg to help me stay focused. [MORE Details here — a little more describing this late night scene or make clear that it was one of many]
All my effort had borne fruit, I had everything planned out, I had secured scholarships to cover the cost of tuition and dorm. [DETAILS – WHICH SUNY? What scholarship had you won? What amounts were covered? What – show me how good the offer was and describe your excitement – so you can show me a few paragraphs later all that you sacrificed] I was set, I was fulfilling the “American dream.” The only thing left was to commit and sign off before going on winter break.
[Then the unexpected happened — some kind of transition needed] A week before winter break my mother had unexpectedly fallen ill one night [if you are comfortable, a few details on her illness that night], I would have never thought I would be in the predicament of choosing between my family or my academic journey. My mom’s health had worsened, and she ended up being intubated in a coma. My world was falling apart [WHAT did you do now? SHOW me a hospital intensive care urgent scene – show the new world you are thrust into. Did you spend hours at her bedside in the hospital, conference with doctors, translating for your parents , WHAT was her condition, her diagnosis? DETAILS needed – I am only imagining – but you know].
I was doing so good, everything was so good, “what had I done to deserve this?” is what I asked myself while sitting in the ICU’s waiting room [good here juxtaposing school thoughts with hospital reality].
[need transition here – Back at NAME high school,] While the staff at my high school tried to sympathize with the pain I was dwelling on, they were persistent in me signing because they had also invested time and effort into this.
[Who said this? Mr. Smith, my college counselor asked, I a sorry – but what are you going to do –WHAT DID HE SAY UPON LEARNING OF YOUR MOTHER?]
I answered, “How could be in the right state of mind to sign on to a commitment of 4-years when I [do] not even know if my mom [is] going to make it.”
[I sounded sure of myself, but inside] I felt defeated, devastated, and disoriented [excellent choice of 3 d-words!]. In my head, I was asking myself, “How could I leave my family when they most need me?”
Now you continue. THINK PARAGRAPH BREAKS when new topic or new speaking voice. THINK DETAILS that would create more theatre of the mind for your reader. THINK theatre of the mind – make it interesting like Malcolm X does when he creates the scene of reading in the light of the corridor in between prison guard night watch.
I suggest creating an outline to plan how you will cover the points that you have in this second part below. It doesn’t have to be set in stone, but just to guide you as you write and think it out. YOu can always change it up, but having a plan helps the writing process.
Without hesitation I chose my family and sadly had to decline a 4-year full ride scholarship. Four years of arduous work thrown out the window. My dream of finally going away was gone. Academically wise it was a tough decision because I had to put a pause into my studies, before studying was my only worry. In the blink of an eye, I had now the responsibility of an adult who had to step up and take care of her family and home. I started lacking while still in high school and managing between being a teenager during school hours and an adult at home having to take care of everyone was exhausting. Fastforward, almost 4 years later my mother recovered but at times I dwelle on what could have been for my academic journey if I had left. While I did not go to college after graduating, I still tried to figure out my academic journey by completing various trade programs. I was building up the courage to give college another try but was afraid I had lost the passion of being a full-time student. The decision to choose my family over myself and my academic journey was a blessing in disguise, it pushed me forward to find out my career path and priorities in life. I was able to learn about myself and capabilities, by being hands on and maintaining discipline. The downfall is I became too hard on myself. However, since the hardship I learned how to value life, do what my heart desires and not what others want. It made me realize that in my academic journey I indeed did not want to major in criminal justice but instead in hospitality management. It pushed me forward to keep on going and begin from nothing no matter the situation because I was given another opportunity for my mother to witness her daughter flourish. In sum, I know what it is to start from nothing which is why I am now more spontaneous and not afraid to start over.