Shanice,
Nice start–although it definitely feels like this is just starting. That said, there are several interesting moments in here that I’d love to see you develop. I’ve highlighted them on the draft uploaded above /\/\/\/\ (please download to view my comments).
In particular, there is this moment that I think you could frame out a whole essay around, in which you raise the question of what learning is. That is, in the middle of Calculus class, you wonder whether simply “mimicking” what the teacher is doing on the board is really teaching you anything or helping you to learn math.
I’d center the essay around this moment and other similar moments in your college education, in which you show the readerâthrough DETAILS DETAILS DETAILSâhow you came to wonder in the classroom (in math, computer science, etc.) about whether (and what) you were learning.
Think of this as a chance to get the reader to ask a question about what education isâis it really just memorizing and mimicking? Or does it involve something else?
Looking forward,
M
Hey Shanice,
Thank you for choosing to share your educational experience with all of us. I really loved how transparent you were throughout the whole telling of your experience. One particular instance that stood out to me was the fact that you took sole responsibility for your actions when it came to the reason as to why you failed your Intro to Computer Science course. I feel as if it shows us, as the readers, that you are not biased in determining what the primary factors are that led to your downfall in that area at the time. I also liked how you took your audience on the basic journey of what it was that you would face on a normal basis with that class as to why you felt you were not able to keep up with maintaining attendance there. I was able to follow what you were saying, yet still, remember the key components of what might have caused you to experience failure in that particular course.
On the other hand, one thing I would suggest is for you to dive more into your relationship with you advisor at Laguardia Community College. What was your relationship with her that made her constantly suggest to you to join Liberal Arts there? Was there any relationship at all? How did her dismissing your goal made you feel and what did you do to address those feelings? I feel that these could be questions you could consider to answer when revising your paper to make it more effective. I also believe that you had a strong point, whether you were aware of it or not, when you talked about having a ton of experiences where you learned not to do something. Although you had a difficult time at first figuring out what to write, could those experiences be something you tie in to your essay in order to bring all of your trials and lessons together?
All in all, I really enjoyed your essay and how clear you were in expressing what you went through with your journey in studying Computer Science. I hope that you are able to continue to have that drive in becoming better from here on out!
Hi Shanice,
I hope all is well. I really enjoyed reading your essay. Your style of writing it feels as if we’re strangely having a conversation. You were honest from the introduction with that it was hard for you to put into words these education experiences. However, you still found a good way in doing so with sharing your computer science class experience. I would have been interested in reading more about the relationship with you and your adviser. (Maybe if you remember a conversation or two, can try adding dialogue there… it’s optional because the essay is fine with or without dialogue.)
Please elaborate your essay and giving me some more details on how you felt with your advisor not supporting you, with you failing the class, with how you feel now.
I look forward to reading your final draft ! đ
Hey Shanice,
Reading your essay it reminded me a little bit of myself because I am also the type of person that would take six classes and think âits no big dealâ. Although people would advise me that itâs not in my best interest to take on that load however I still would go against the advice. You also described that your teacher doubted your capabilities when she retook her computer science class. I think that even though you may come across people that may doubt your capabilities if you believe in yourself and apply yourself you can do whatever you put your mind to. However, I do wish that you can explain whether you learned something from this experience or not even though you stated that you werenât sure if this was an educational experience.
Hello Shanice,
Nice draft! I don’t doubt for a second that you have a bunch of educational experiences to choose from. Most likely, you have so many that when the professor asked for one, you couldn’t choose. Lol. It’s interesting that you chose to speak about being underestimated by your professor. If that’s the choice you’ve made, then you can afford to expound on the experience. Magnify it so that every detail, though, and tone shift is clear to the audience. Ending right after the confrontation between you two feels like you’re dropping us off a cliff. Allow me to explain. It builds up to when you two cross paths, then as soon as you do, it ends. It feels very sudden and you can change that just by expounding on that moment. What makes it so significant? Why was it important enough to write an essay about? Why was it one of the educational experiences that was “harder to forget?” As long as you get that across to the reader (without just saying it) your piece will be successful.
Be safe!
I wished you picked one event or went into further detail with all three event. The taking 6 Classe at once resonated with because I took 5 before despite everyone advice. there’s nothing wrong with the essay structurally I just wished you went into further detail and not leave us begging for more. I love you honesty in the introduction you didn’t disrespect your readers by telling ur a fake story. I 100 percent agree with David about the point he made you leaving us on cliff ending the story right the confrontation begins
Hey Shanice,
I found your story extremely relatable. Extending your different situations will give you more to work with. I also agree with Joseph and David about your ending. You leave us wanting more!
Hey Shanice
Thank you for sharing your educational experiences with us. I hope everything is going well for you. I really enjoyed reading your essay on how you realized your mistakes and worked towards it to improve yourself. I find it creative on how you funnily described your blunders, Reading your essay also reminds me of a very similar story which happened to me, once I also failed a calculus class, well it was not actually calculus it was pre-calculus, but yeah I still failed, but after reading your essay I feel a lot more motivated and planning to retake it. One thing that particularly stood out to me is that you took sole responsibility for your action and I have to admire that. I would suggest to include more details on your interview with Laguardia community college advisor, such as dialogs. also, try to find out the answers to these questions such as what did you feel when you were about to be dismissed from your favorite major? how exactly felt? After all, I really enjoyed your essay, hopefully, you do well in the future.